Daria Malek

author, satirist, human rights and mental health activist, bookworm, aspiring chef 🇨🇦🗽

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Things My Bf Has Said:

“I work so hard and nobody cares if I hawk tuah.”

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Oh, @RuthWareWriter , you sly fox!!

#ThePerfectCouple

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Things My Real Estate Boyfriend Said:

“There’s a house selling on my street and it’s not with me!”

@DanieleC6369

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

An amazing sentence I heard today during Take Your Kids to Work Day:

“A ring pop is not a replacement for breakfast.”

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

I love taking the Go-Train during the back to school season because I love watching the university and college kids put SO much effort into their appearances during the beginning of school year, and then slowly just turn into sweatpants and hoodies.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

I don’t know how to explain it but, the word congratulations looks like it has long, red almond nails. Don’t ask.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

My boyfriend asking me what I would do if he married other women while married to me:

Me:
a very gruesome, graphic thing

Him:

“I’m just a girl”

@DanieleC6369

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Just witnessed a grown woman throw an absolute fit over the fact that her sandwich was on a bun instead of a croissant. A grown women who’s children witnessed her literally stomp her foot in protest like a 4 year old.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

A little girl sitting in front of me wouldn’t stop staring at me on the train today.
She turned to her mom and asked her where I was going. Her mom responded: “work.”
She looked at me again and said: “looks really smart. I want to be like her when I grow up.”
I want to cry😭

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Hey @JoeSantagato and @FAlvarez8085! How are you liking your first Toronto tornado warning?

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

I had very little TV time as a kid and most of it was spent watching Madea movies.

It explains a lot about the way I am LOL.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Unpopular opinion:

HOLY COW THE CONJURING IS SO BORING.

CANCEL ME.

Thanks.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Things By Boyfriend Said:

Me: “Do I look like this girl?”

Him: “That is an insult to you. She only looks remotely similar to you because of the miracle of a doctor.”

Ya’ll if that ain’t romance🥹

This guy said that.

@DanieleC6369

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Things My Boyfriend Said:

Us on our way to his event: “did you bring your market stats?”

Him: “I am the market stat.”

The Market Stat:

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Chronicles of Daniele:

Me: “We should take a couples pottery class together!”
Him: “WHY CANT YOU JUST BE HAPPY?”
Me:

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

I told my boyfriend that I might not be able to bring my setting spray on the plane with me and his response was “you might have to set this spray aside.”

No, I’m not dating Sebastian Maniscalco.

I’m dating this guy.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

I have a love and hate relationship with the gym because I’d be here minding my business listening to some Santana workout playlist and this dude is throwing imaginary punches at me inbetween sets.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

The best work advice I’ve ever gotten was from Ed O’Neill in that episode of Modern Family where they build a duck palace.

[Daria Malek @msdariamalek]

Just witnessed a girl at the grocery store call her dad to ask how to tell if a watermelon is good. It’s me. I was her.