mel

a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor

[alexa @alexadoingstuff]

imagine taking a cab to the hospital in a crisis because you can’t afford an ambulance and it’s the cash cab

[Sesame Chiccen @Loccdawggg]

I know “MAN FUCK” when I see it

[audrey @saint_audrey]

my best guy friend and I made a pact: if we’re still single by age 25, we’re going head on over to the woods to hunt each other to the death

[🕊️ @222xen]

vibrators are unnatural and wrong. god said adam and eve not florence and the machine

[Peyton Stearns @peytonstearns06]

It’s alway “wyd” never “dyktmm”

[Dark Rabbite @DarkRabbite]

i laughed at this as a child but this is literally how i deal with life now

[No It’s Not @VeroniKaboom]

What is today? The 4th? The 5th? The minor fall? The major lift? idek

[Emma Manzini @EmmaManzini]

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night https://t.co/LMdO9dgjmM

[Alex @UrDeadRight]

Bitches be posting “nobody cares about your Spotify wrapped” and then post a pic of their baby ???

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early https://t.co/Cw3zY6VbT6

[Certified Vakabon @platinii954]

Honestly! And leave me alone I just want some sleep!

[Bob @PoopFromDaButt]

stealing from walmart

[Tonja Renée Stidhum @TonjaStidhum]

BREAKING: Jason Derulo falls down stairs delivering the final Nevada ballots