Our HR department just migrated all our mandatory compliance training to a new gamified learning management system.
I received an automated email stating I had 48 hours to complete a module on data privacy or my badge would be deactivated.
I logged into the portal and was greeted by a cartoon badger named Barnaby.
Barnaby told me I was about to embark on a security quest.
I'm 44 years old.
I don't want to go on a quest.
The first module was a video about phishing scams produced like a high-budget daytime soap opera.
The actors were inappropriately attractive for a simulated accounts payable department.
The main character, Chad, left his laptop open at a coffee shop while he ordered a matcha latte.
A guy in a black hoodie immediately sat down and downloaded the entire corporate mainframe to a USB drive in four seconds.
Then the video paused and asked me to identify Chad's critical mistake.
The multiple choice options were leaving the device unsecured, using public Wi-Fi, or failing to foster a culture of vigilance.
I clicked the first one.
Barnaby the badger popped up and told me I was technically correct, but I lacked a holistic security mindset.
He deducted 10 "synergy tokens" from my digital wallet.
I didn't even know I had a digital wallet.
The next scenario involved a complex ethical dilemma about accepting gifts from vendors.
A supplier offered the protagonist a branded corporate fleece.
The video framed this as the first step toward international corporate espionage.
I was asked if accepting the fleece was a violation of the anti-bribery statutes.
I clicked yes.
Barnaby congratulated me and awarded me a bronze digital badge of integrity.
I tried to fast-forward through the next video because it was 45 minutes long.
The player immediately froze and a warning message appeared saying Barnaby notices you are rushing.
The video restarted from the very beginning.
I sat there for 45 minutes watching a dramatization of password hygiene while staring blankly at my monitor.
At the end of the quest, I had to take a 50-question final exam.
One question asked how long a visitor badge is valid under the new global security matrix.
I guessed 24 hours.
Barnaby appeared with a sad face and told me it was 12 hours.
I failed the module with an 84 percent.
The passing grade was 85 percent.
Barnaby informed me that my quest must start over.
I considered throwing my company-issued laptop out the window.
Instead, I sent an email to HR asking for an extension.
I got an automated reply saying the HR representative was out of the office on a corporate wellness retreat.
I clicked replay on the video.
Chad is about to leave his laptop at the coffee shop again.
This time I hope the hacker deletes my employee profile entirely.
Years back, we met a tenderpreneur at pub who’d sealed big deal & was waxing lyrical about taking us with him on his meteoric rise. Mind you, we’d just met the bro.
He was spinning bottles, name dropping & more.
My cousin Kwaloz said, “I’ve heard bigger things from smaller men!”
Research fees at the National Archives of Zambia. This information is not available online or obtainable in advance of visiting so I wanted to publicise it.
Didn’t have money for the books at this Nairobi bookstore, so I settled for some fountain pens.
Soon as I get my money right, I’ll return to grab these books.
My Zambian sensibilities quite scandalized by the titles, so I gotta find the money to buy them books
This banana with the spots is the better banana.
Used to be found everywhere with vendors, now it’s practically extinct and you find the type sold in Shoprite and pick n pay that are simple not good.
One consequence of getting rid of street vendors is certain supply chains died
And probably one of the most ratchet songs ever, but explains why sometimes good gals love bad boys
Spice & Pinchers - Rudeboy Love
https://t.co/GjmfQLT4fG
Tanya Stephens - These Streets
And off course the advise for anyone in love with a tamanga or hustler, this song probably said in so many ways in the real world
https://t.co/nsKoYipVeG
One weird thing about getting older is realising the sense in love songs you'd hear when younger.
Lemme share three of my favourite love songs, or songs about love
Aaron Neville - Everybody Plays The Fool.
Ba Aaron tried to warn us back in the day, and we did not listen. But he was 100% right
https://t.co/NjiOdNoxV7
Ati Zambians we have lost our culture
1. A Bemba who is an introvert?
2. A Tonga who is lactose intolerant
3. Mu Lozi blesser?
4. An Easterner who doesn't eat mbewa because of allergies
5. A Nsenga who doesn't believe in witchcraft, ati we don't do that here
Let's have order