Mike Loftus

Always make a face 🚩🚩🚩🚩

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

I have intrepid field operatives everywhere. Code name IG@r_bhargava checked in after he apparently stumbled into Bruce Wayne’s garage in Monaco.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Next time you hear Post Malone’s “Circles” listen for when he repeats “that it was special, special / sex, though, sex though” but lets the soundboard quietly say “echoes” the second time. #promove

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

This is what happened when BMW let 13-year old me into their design studio.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Hey, it’s that guy…
No, it’s that other guy…
Wait, do you want the American or the British version of that guy??

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

As Commissioner I will also ban referring to your company/ownership as an organization.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

As it is Game 6 of the World Series and Halloween tonight, I hope Toronto Blue Jays hitting coach David Popkins doesn’t have #anyquestions about what costume to wear.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

When I become Commissioner. I will ban stadium naming rights.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Group of three middle-schoolers just rode by my driveway. One of them said, “Alright. On our way to another bike adventure with the boys”. Maybe everything is going to be all right after all.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Helen Mirren is ready to play Phoebe Bridgers the Elder now. Go ahead and greenlight a biopic that speculates.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

“It’s like throwing up toothpaste.”
-The Gina, on Aquavit

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

We in New Lenox are feverishly updating our town slogan to “The Home of Papal Americans”.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

G: Can I have a Manhattan, please?
Bartender: Sure, except I don’t have bourbon, but I can give you Jameson.

<Mt Dew Code Red colored beverage arrives, garnished with lemon>

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Maybe it’s just me, but…

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

A cartoon coach, wearing mirrored sunglasses and a visor, yelling at the Sears Tower…

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Toyota designer: I’ve got it!

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

What’s that? Can’t find flute covers of oddball 80’s deep cuts from your memory of late nights on The Loop? Problem solved…

https://t.co/02Qnm4kb5s

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Acura TL, inspired by “Shark Tales” Don Lino.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Thanks Gosling, now I guess my undeveloped screenplay about a mysterious arborist who removes problem trees before they cause property damage, “The Fell Guy: Unknown Stumpman”, will never get made.

[Mike Loftus @mxloftus]

Ryans graduation ceremony also serves a reunion venue for every dad I’ve coached youth sports with since 2009. #heycoach