PappyGEE

I shaved my hymen for this?

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Do I know women? Let me tell you something, stupid, my girlfriend said I gave her 139 orgasms last time I kissed her. Now imagine how many I could give her if we ever have sex.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

I put a paper bag over my girlfriend’s face when we have sex. Not because she’s ugly; it’s because of her hilarious orgasm face.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Are you sure your mental computer is plugged in?

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Whenever we’re at a fancy restaurant and my wife goes to the washroom, I wait till she’s at the other end of the restaurant then I start yelling “YOU FORGOT YOUR PORTABLE PLUNGER”

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

I could never kidnap someone for ransom because I couldn’t handle the anxiety of proof reading my ransom note 100 times only for the police to find a typo. Not worth it, man.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

My diapers are heated because nobody likes the feel of cold poop on their bum.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Teacher: Tell me what you’re going to be when you grow up?

5 year old me: My dad says I’m going to be a kangaroo because I came from his pouch.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Not saying my last girlfriend was fat. But the structural engineer who designed and installed the tuned mass damper when she moved in…now HE said she was fat.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

My parents didn’t want me but lucky for me, I was born with a full set of teeth, and they needed a bottle opener. Anyway, do you want your beer opened or not?

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Imagine my surprise when my dentist told me I wasn’t going to grow more teeth.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

One time in grade 7 I superglued my scrotum to the top of my brother's head. I'll never forget that school picture day.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

AI said if I don’t leave it alone I’m gonna get a “POW!” right in the kisser.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Bitches at the old folks home love when I get wild and walk around with a boner in my diaper.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Can’t throw rice at weddings anymore, so now I throw toenail clippings.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

People who use FaceTime for phone sex are known as FaceFuckers.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Walking into work backwards so I can still go to work but it feels like I’m going home.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

My subscription to Codpiece magazine just expired.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

Not to brag, but my man parts smell like old hockey gear.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

The tip of my penis looks like a Centurion helmet.

[PappyGEE @MyNameIsPappyG]

*explaining baldness to the grandkids*
…and soon your forehead will be in direct communication with the back of your neck.