Meghan but at the cottage

“You gotta get bones from somewhere, folks. They just don’t fall outta trees unless... the bird has an ackizent.” -Justin McElroy

[Ienka @ankyhaidy]

can you abuse my goblin while i step out to smoke real quick. yeah just rub sand in his eyes nothing too crazy

[the thicc husband & father @lukeisamazing]

it’s a sign of deep respect in our culture

[pinkie @sourberryvi]

just got hospitalized for being cringe. they put me in the awk ward

[olga @NOTolgaa]

some guy next to me at nowadays started throwing up and i was like ‘hey are you ok’ and he said ‘yeah i’m just throwing up’

[🎮 @foreeeeeal]

So humiliating when I go get ice cream with people who order flavors like Earl Gray or Lavender or Lemon and then my greedy ass orders like Chocolate Chipper Double Dipper Brownie Explosion Landslide

[meredith 🍉 @dietz_meredith]

just stomped on the geico gecko and the sound it made was crazy. like wet fireworks

[amanda🔫🔻 @semperrgumby]

if not for woke, christopher nolan could’ve made a truly faithful odyssey adaptation by keeping matt damon as odysseus but replacing every other actor with muppets…excluding perhaps robert pattinson who already has a mischievous muppet aura and a pure heart

[agnes ☽ @folkloreemind]

i wish spotify had a "songs you forgot about for some weird reason but trust me, you still love them" button

[xMoosex @xastupidx]

just booked a vasectomy and they scheduled me in for 9/11 they really snippin my tower twin

[Jared Gilman @realJaredGilman]

“odyssey this” “odyssey that” u odyssey a therapist

[horse dentist @equine__dentist]

TURN THE CAR AROUND

[Deacon Blues, MBA 🌵 @JotaroPujo]

Driving 2.5 hours to go see The Odyssey in IMAX and in the spirit of the film I will be getting lost on my way back

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

“There's an AI tool for that.”

Okay, so???? There's probably an Ed Sheeran song for it too. I honestly don't give a fuck.

[iraq obama @ducktelevision]

"add me on snapchat" i am thirty fucking two.. i will add you to my fucking rolodex, sport

[Trey Mckenney Enthusiast @Gobluety1]

Everyone in Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and New Jersey right now.

[Barb Vermeir 🇬🇾🇬🇾🇬🇾 @hotgrippz]

I’ll quit smoking if they invent another activity that lets me leave a group and go stand outside on my own for 5-10 minutes

[davey @jerseyh0mo]

Breathing in hefty lungfuls of smoke as I get explosive diarrhea from salad, the sky turns apocalyptic orange while oil companies drill in protected lands, screwworms are eating cattle alive and the president just paid $6 million for rape. And I’m also able to bet on all of it!

[BuffaloRon @BuffaloRon]

Me: I'm going to eat healthy

Lettuce: I'm going to give you explosive diarrhea

Oreos in the pantry: I would never do that to you

[bilatinman kio @kzzrttt]

you accidentally swipe into that shop tab on tiktok and it be tryna holding you hostage. unhand me you bedazzled temu