jeffery james

Expert fighter, lover, actor, zookeeper, seamstress, cartographer, and getaway driver. Amateur liar.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@TheDannyBarry wait, so you DON'T have great deals on ray bans?

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@realDonaldTrump @FLOTUS chicken noodle soup for the soul

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

does coronavirus spread faster when you kiss ass?

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@ThomasAwful @FatMike_of_NOFX they get away with all kinds of shit in first class

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

.@FatMike_of_NOFX is on my flight to Vegas in first class, the motherfucker. is that how the cat got so fat?

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

delta agent: now boarding our extra premium select ultra diamond with adamantium coating priority class members with strollers

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@ahundredmonkeys so are we gonna hang out for the eclipse or what.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

"don't hit me with a baseball while i'm using a knife." - just an average morning living with @frickinbrittany

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@elialtman because there's a decent chance you might die after consuming one?

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

just walked by @NickSwardson and all i heard him say was "i hate running."

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

early bird. night owl. war hawk. peace dove. noon chicken.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

mom powers: hearing you tear off a paper towel from across the house and immediately yelling "what did you just spill?!"

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

California comforts made me mediocre.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@bobosoboboso that'll do, bruh. that'll do.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

just hanging out at this place that's full of babes.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

reptiles fare worse than nazis in these Indiana jones movies. he lights an entire goddamn room full of snakes on fire and the audience sighs

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

owning a "keep portland weird" sticker is probably the least weird thing you can do in portland.

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

Tackled the PDX 40-mile loop today.
https://t.co/xPB2A8nUHg

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@remingtonwoo I want a VR exercise program where I communicate with aliens through the language of calisthenics

[jeffery james @narciscizzors]

@remingtonwoo I have a VR headset for that now