Nate Armbruster

I like to write jokes. And tell those jokes to audiences in the form of stand-up comedy.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Someone told me I've gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I've never acted in my life. Until that moment.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Two NA beers deep and told my dog he's my best friend, and he's the only one who's never let me down.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I think I got CTE from seeing Odyssey in 4DX.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Nothing says "adult" like standing in the kitchen eating cereal out of the box over the sink so you don't have to wash a bowl.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

And to my children, I leave 40 unread, open Chrome tabs.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

If there's one thing this cyclospora outbreak has taught me, it's how many people are perfectly comfortable describing their explosive diarrhea on the local news.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Watching the World Cup, I keep wondering which players' parents got stuck bringing the orange slices.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I'm so thankful for mobile banking because now I don't have to look a bank teller in the eyes when I financially un-doordash myself.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Sometimes I’ll order something just so I have something to look forward to.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Going to bed feels responsible. Falling asleep on the couch feels like hitting ‘skip intro’ on the rest of your night.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Ebola sounds like a music festival sponsored by Monster Energy.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you have absolutely nothing planned afterward.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I have heartburn. Gonna treat it by making a small noise every time I stand up.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t change much.

Maybe start buying the pre-cut fruit from the grocery store.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

People who say that Americans don’t have any culture have never been to Buc-ee’s.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I don’t have Crohn’s, but the Skyrizi commercial makes me feel like I’m missing out.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

If we’re evacuating a plane and you stop to grab your carry-on, I’m treating you like an unopened emergency exit.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I’ll be on my fourth slice of pizza watching basketball and still say “you gotta make those” when a player misses a three.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

I’m doing fine, but I just got an ad for a plasma donation center, so my algorithm knows something I don’t know.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Shrinkflation is good for my self-esteem. I ate a whole bag of chips, and it was apparently only 3 servings.

[Nate Armbruster @natecomedy]

Paid my taxes. Feels like tipping the band while the Titanic’s already underwater.