Funny Tweets #1

.......Tweeting facts, jokes and funny stuff for you to enjoy.......

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

Oh your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

Me: "Why am I still single?" Brain: "You're weird as shit." Body: "And you're fat." Face: "Plus you're ugly." Food: "But I'm here for you."

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

when you spend 3 hours on your makeup and you still ugly

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

What a lovely winter we're having this spring.

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

I hate the part of the morning where I have to actually get out of bed and participate in real life.

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts making explosive noises so I check and it's cold like why you gotta play me like that.

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

somewhere stuck between "i hate school" and "i need a diploma"

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

exercise
exercis
exerci
exerc
exer
exe
ex
ext
extr
extra l
extra la
extra lar
extra larg
extra large
extra large piz
extra large pizza

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

👀👀

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

"what's your favorite subject"

going home 🏡👋

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

pizza won't divorce you
pizza won't betray you
pizza won't cheat on you
pizza won't fight with you

why don't people just marry pizza

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

Teacher: You can't write an essay overnight.
Exam: You have one hour to write an essay.

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

mood: i need money

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

me: *looks out of window*
me: when will my online purchases arrive

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

fun prank: put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

“why aren’t you and ___ friends anymore” because fuck them thats why

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

Things i have time for:
- netflix
- cute animals
- hot showers

things i don’t have time for:
- your bullshit
- school/work

[Funny Tweets #1 @needlessjokes]

*dips your opinion in salsa and eats it*