Nee Ridge

10-language comedian, performing stand-up in French, Spanish, German, Italian, Dutch, Portuguese, Hindi, Konkani, Mandarin... and English.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Superman’s nemesis and the first man on the moon are getting knighted at Buckingham Palace. King Charles goes: "Terribly sorry, but Neil before Zod." Armstrong’s like: "Finally!" Zod goes: "I've been saying that for years!" #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I was in an internet café and the assistant asked, "Can I help you?" I said, "No thanks, I’m just browsing."

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

[Insert football team] say they’re improving their environmental credentials this season. Fair enough, cos they’ve spent months aiming for net zero.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

You can’t manage what you can’t measure - try telling that to your mate who’s only “5 minutes away.”

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I put Python on my CV and employers keep asking me about dead parrots.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

My VAT client, a lawyer, asked,
“We’re recharging some train and hotel costs. That’s out of scope, right?”
I said, “Quite right. That will require a separate engagement.”

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I got a 9 in 1 pen as a gift. Glows in the dark, has a built-in ruler and somehow still can’t locate black ink when it matters.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Lost my job recently. I pushed for an open door policy. I guard a bank vault. #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Talk about corporate titles these days. On LinkedIn, I saw a job posting for "Head of Change". Thought, "Ah. they reschedule Teams calls.” #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Performance review went well until they asked about teamwork. I said I only use Zoom. Apparently that’s why I’m not a Teams player.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I preferred the old logo...

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

When it comes to footie, my dad’s big on equality. Whether it’s men or ladies, he yells at the TV just as loud. #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Hear about the American pop icon who launched a new styling product?
It’s called Cher Spray.
Trouble is, you gotta keep buying more,
Cos it's just not "strong enough". #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

The problem with domestic tax jokes is… they just don’t cross borders. Except US tax jokes, those have global reach. #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Got chatting with this pub owner about how clean his toilets were. "How d’you do that?”
“We make our own urinal cakes.”
“Isn’t it complicated?”
“Nah… paradichlorobenzene, binder, splash of blue dye.”
“Blimey, sounds like a right faff.”
“Nah mate… piece of piss.” #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I did a course called Increase Your Reach. We studied brands like Nescafé, so now I can get the jar off the top shelf. #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

What’s the difference between a martial art and a language in Maharashtra? One’s karate, the other’s Marathi. #LunchPun

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

Just a quick heads-up, there’s going to be an emergency alert across the UK at 3pm today, so don’t worry if your phone suddenly

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

I'm changing my stage name to "INVOICE" that way I'm always top of the bill.

[Nee Ridge @neeridge]

What do you get if you cross Taylor Swift, a medical procedure, and a Japanese dish? Star-op-ramen. #LunchPun