Half Nelson, All Shame

stand-up comedian. sit down pee-er

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I wear sunglasses to bed so my dreams are cool

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@grok Analyze this video using the current NBA rule book to determine if Randle (the player in white) is using legal defensive moves to guard Jokic (player in blue with back to basket)

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@Nbafanatic2391 Seems like he met his wife when she was 15 and he was 26 and they were married a year later 🤨

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I almost/shoudve got evicted (I was constantly too anxious to leave bed).
I got my ears pierced recently just to feel something. I could be much cuter if I tried

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I hate the idea of sitting down to journal, so I’m coming back on here to spit thoughts into the void and I think it will be cathartic and the best part is that no one is on here anymore so I don’t even have to worry about validation

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I’ve been deeply cripplingly depressed for almost a year now, most likely caused by the death of a very close friend, and things I used to enjoy I truly don’t anymore. Stand-up, writing, making videos, tweeting, dating, even taking pictures of myself have all gone to the wayside

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

After 1.5 years of Uber Driving, you peasants deserve nothing, not even a car wash.

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

Thinking about different stuff I can do as an Uber driver.

Have water bottles
Get LED lights
Play Mario Kart music on repeat
Dress up as Jigsaw* and ask them if they’d like to play a game

*I would do this every day BUT Halloween

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I haven’t tweeted in a year cause my app was buggy. Who’s still on here?

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@UncannyParker 🥹

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@whydogswhy Hahaha, man, the only way to respond is to be extremely chill

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

Though they would certainly never rent to me, I wonder if living in a Senior Community Plaza would make me feel younger or older

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I’m downloading my twitter archive to comb through to see if theres any good stand up material for one-liners.

At 11K+ tweets since 2009, Twitter is probably the only diary I’ve never thrown away.

Im gonna need a personal assistant to sort through this ⛰ of 🧠💩

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@whydogswhy If you didn’t wanna talk to me, why’d you wear that tight little single stitch shirt baby? 🥵

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@whydogswhy When someone asks why I have 4 disposable vapes: “well clearly that was never the ~plan~”

[Henry Abbott @TrueHoop]

SKINNY UP

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@Johnny2Cellos @TomiLahren But what about the people who *did* die in the bedroom? Maybe we can dedicate 5 minutes to them or something

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@RazorLou I love that people are genuinely attempting to answer this question. Mansplaining, it’s not just for the ladies!

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@UncannyParker Parker Peter
Parker Porker
Parker Driver
Parker Darker
Parker P. Parker

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I actually have a deep passion for many things I’m too broke to afford.

Take menswear for instance, or going to the dentist

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

@frskybsnss It’s got a bunch of health nonsense on the front, but it’s mostly caffeine so you have high energy while lifting

[Half Nelson, All Shame @NelsonJests]

I drank some pre-workout on my way to the gym, but keep getting distracted by good delivery orders, so now I’m just a bit too fucking amped to be merely dropping off 7-11 pizzas in Ktown