Tommy Olk

[lil arab @sweatyhairy]

pretty wild that TJ Maxx is named after the two kids you knew in middle school who yelled at their parents in front of you

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

Does Jesus know he was born during Toyotathon

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

uber driver: are you kidding me
me: [dialing 911] the sign said no right turn on red

[ClickHole @ClickHole]

How The Mighty Have Fallen: Jeff Bezos Has Blown His Entire Fortune Trying To Win A Giant Stuffed Taz At Six Flags https://t.co/7QZ3FKt5Ny

[elon mustard @nice_mustard]

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

I can’t believe they recast Barron

[Edina Love @edinanicegroup]

Tanner Sparrow is probably the funniest guy at EHS. His flow is amazing, and his football skills are top notch. He's a great guy!

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

[spits out tide pod]
"But if that was in my mouth..."
[cut to me placing a piping hot lasagna into my washing machine]

[Tommy Olk @nerf_athlete]

@DanielGleasack The Santa Clause

[Tommy Olk @nerf_athlete]

@DanielGleasack Fake news

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

If you eat a bunch of spaghetti and wear a sweater to a rap battle you deserve to lose

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: Is he going to make it?
DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness
ME: *crying* oohwahahahah
DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

all the
bald green
ninja
shelled teens
mutants
craving
pizza
with sardines
say it ain't so / Donatello
Mikey and Raf / Leonardo

[elon mustard @nice_mustard]

before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What's updog?
WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU

[chuuch @ch000ch]

(making out with my date) alexa play Jurassic Park soundtrack

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

*there's a knock at Tony Hawk's door*
"TRICK OR TREAT"
*Tony's eyes light up*
"a trick eh?"
"sir we just want candy"
"TO THE HALF PIPE"