Dan

I'm not like this because I'm in Van Halen, I'm in Van Halen because I'm like this

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@wrestlemepod Thanks for my yoghurt

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@wrestlemepod Spinal Tap vibes

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@wrestlemepod He looks like he stinks

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@wrestlemepod @petedonaldson

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@CalTurk4 @SimpsonsQOTD It was the same writer for both Greg Daniels

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@LaticsOfficial @fdisanto9 @JordiGomez14 Just before Di Santo gets into the centre circle, he puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles to get their attention.

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

@liz_buckley I often think about that tweet and laugh

[Liz Buckley @liz_buckley]

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

All the reviews on the Argos website should come with a psychological profile of the person who submitted it

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

I should have at least got an Oscar nomination for my performance in "Is everything alright with your food?"

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Do rappers like money?

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Just put my phone in my pocket without locking it and bought three shirts from asos

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

I'm far more interesting than this baby, but I'm only getting like 1/8 the attention

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Got a cat

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Just finished my Christmas shopping. Can't wait for everyone to see what I bought myself

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Spent the night hanging off the side of the bed so as not to disturb my cat because he had to get up at half six for work

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Sorry i'm late, the person who drives my car to work overslept

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

I always forget, how long are you supposed to wait after someone falls asleep before you can climb out from under the bed?

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

Sending me a 'save the date' just gives me more time to think of an excuse why I'm not coming.

[Dan @nervousbreakdan]

My favourite part of a phone conversation is when they say "my phone is about to die."