Nilla

Ashley. Mom. 💜

[Nilla @nillabtw]

I have sat here for hours crying and trying to find the words as this is not an easy thing to talk about. Especially in this environment, but I am way too proud and excited to let anyone take this from me. I am not a writer and I'm sure I'll make plenty of mistakes, but I will do my best. Here goes nothing...

Not all of you know my story and some of you have been following my journey for years. For those who do not know, I have been fighting what has seemed like a losing battle with my weight, depression and anxiety for years. When I say years, I mean that. This has been a literal 29 year journey and I am finally nearing the end, so to speak. My weight issues started when I was just 4 years old. Looking back I was always a "chubby" kid but it never seemed to make sense to my family as to why going by my activity level and the foods I ate. My family never pressured me or made me feel out of place, although they did try to at least keep me consistent in my weight and not let me gain.

When I got a little older, around the age of 9, I started to question my size compared to my friends. Not to mention the fact that it was starting to be brought to my attention in some not so nice ways by my classmates. My mom approached my pediatrician about things and it was agreed it was best to have me speak to a therapist. In this session, it was determined that I had some underlying fear and anxiety towards men. This was believed to be due to me losing my dad to cancer at the age of 4 and his father, my grandpa, at the age of 6. So in simple terms, I was afraid of even interacting with men in fear of getting close to them and losing them. Well, my world was full of men I cared for and was afraid to lose. It was also determined at this time that I was potentially going through some precocious puberty. Things were much different back then and my pediatrician being male himself, I seemed to keep a lot of things from him and in turn, I kept things from my mom and even lied in fear she would take me to him. I finally stopped going to the doctor all together unless it was urgent care for something. It was a horrible circle. I continued on my journey of finding solutions to my weight through therapy, dietitians, sports, skating, etc. Nothing seemed to help in the slightest.

I am going to skip a bit and fast forward to my teen years, me still dealing with my weight, bullying, self-doubt, and now developing suicidal thoughts. I was 12 when I had my first and only cycle although I had been experiencing "cramps" for a year or so prior. As a teen I thought this was cool, not having to deal with it or worry about it like everyone else. Although I still had, what I thought were cramps throughout the year, later on I would find that not to be true. I hid throughout the greater part of my childhood. Anytime I would make a friend I would question their intentions. I would wonder why they picked me over all the skinny kids. This is where my mind stayed day in and day out. As I struggled with myself physically and mentally, it became harder and harder to ignore the bullying. In the transition from elementary to middle school, I begged my mom to let me be home-schooled. She was a single working mother and that just wasn't possible.

Middle school was..relentless. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing group of friends that I still look back and appreciate to this day, but I hid a lot from them too. I always felt I was the outcast and that I was the only one experiencing the bullying, so I didn't think anyone would understand. They had boyfriends and girlfriends and I was always alone. Never seemed to be thought of in that way which made me question myself, my worth, my meaning..everything about me seemed to be wrong. 7th grade was bad, but 8th grade was worse. I never really let on to many people how bad things got, although I did write a small blog post once and one of my bullies, now being a mother of a young girl, messaged me and apologized. Without me saying any names, she knew what she had done to me. This group of girls pretended to be my friend. Got information out of me, invited me to parties and sleepovers just to find out there was a whole backlog of pictures, videos, messages, notes, etc of me. I am not sure why I was their target, I still don't understand their agenda and I never will. But finding all of this out truly messed with my mental health more than I understood at that age. In that same 8th grade year this group of girls and some of the "popular" boys decided they were going to sneak into the P.E. teacher's office during our physical fitness week and find my file. Now, if you've never had a physical fitness week, be thankful. Basically, they would take your height and weight and do all these fitness tests. Pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, running the mile, etc. Anywho, they were successful in this mission of theirs and made sure to tell everyone just how much I weighed. I am not sure how or why them knowing an actual pound amount made the bullying so much worse on me mentally, but it did.

The summer between middle and high school I was determined to lose weight and had all these thoughts in mind that I would show up to my freshman year making them all regret everything they'd done to me. That didn't happen. I attended a "fat camp" I dieted, I worked out, I gave up my entire summer to work on my body and it just wasn't working. I was devasted and the closer it got to school starting, the more I broke mentally. I remember one day I again asked my mom if I could please be homeschooled, again her being a single working mom, she had no idea how to make it work but she did her best to help me. She had no idea what all I had been through, she had enough to worry about and I never brought much to her attention. Plus, telling on these kids would just make it worse or they'd move on to someone else. Not only was I disappointed that I hadn't been able to lose weight but I was absolutely mortified at the thought of P.E. Not only were we forced to wear a special gym outfit but in high school, you are also forced to swim. I could not mentally stand the thought of having to put on shorts in front of these people, let alone having to wear a bathing suit. My mental health was shot and I had a breakdown. My mom did the best she could and worked with the school to get me into health class for that first year to hopefully let me work on my weight and make up P.E. the next year.

So, off to high school I go. So many people have such great memories in high school, that is far from what I had. I started to hide myself more than ever before. I had to shop plus size clothing which didn't look like everyone else and wasn't name-brand because they didn't make my size. I wore heavy clothing and jackets thinking I was hiding my body. I chose to sit in the back of any class I could. I went to lunch and sat there, I wouldn't dare let anyone see me go up to buy food or eat. I would have kids say "watch out" as I walked the hall and they would all press themselves to the lockers as if there was no room for me. They would make comments that I "shook the stairwell" as I walked up. It went on and on. One day while a teacher was out of the room, a group of boys and girls were on the other side talking. They kept looking at me and laughing and finally one of the boys yells "Hey Ashley, why do you always wear jackets, we all know you're a hippo under there." My heart absolutely sank. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I froze. Another girl in the class who quite frankly didn't give a heck what anyone thought stood up and said "She can wear whatever the hell she wants." I think that was the first time anyone ever stood up for me. Mostly because they were usually sneaky about things. Ironically...this boy that decided to call me out, his dad was my late father's best friend for YEARS. Earlier in life I spent weekends at this boys house when they would watch us for my mom or we would play together when my mom went to visit. I could never get that out of my mind. He knew who I was, he knew our history, but still he chose to follow the crowd and attack me. That was the moment I gave up on myself. My entire journey of working to better myself and my weight disappeared. Still being scared to walk the lunch room, I had a friend bring me back a cookie as they went through the line for months. I started sneaking food at home, I started to cope with eating myself sick and mentally I was so disappointed in myself.

The summer after freshman year, knowing I had once again failed at weight loss and the mental strain, I finally broke down to my mom and let her in on just how bad things were. She was broken. She had no idea what I had dealt with. I promised that if she let me drop out that I would get a job and pay for online classes or I would get my GED, I would do anything if she didn't make me go back. I never stepped foot back in that school. I continued to work on myself, but at this point I had given up on weight loss and started to focus on at least maintaining and working on my mental health. That same summer we suddenly lost my uncle in an accident who had stepped into a dad role for my brother and us girls. It just seemed like hard times would never stop. I started to babysit/housesit/dogsit and attempted a home-schooling program for a while but I didn't like it, so I ended up getting my GED. I then got a job at 18 which I quickly promoted in and started working full-time and worked my way up to management. Throughout all of this I attempted many times to lose weight. Special foods, crazy trending pills, wraps, foams that "filled your stomach", gym memberships..I did it all with barely any result.

I basically started to accept who I was and where I was physically and just continued to make sure my mental health was stable. Fast forward to me finally meeting someone, whom I met through gaming in 2014. As things got more serious I knew I really needed to figure things out health wise. So after years of avoiding the doctor, I finally sought someone out. I was 20 at this point. When I went for my first consult with her, she was dumbfounded at my history and actually extremely concerned. She ordered a plethora of tests and scans and finally..after years of battling with myself inside and out, I was told those "cramps" I had were actually rupturing cysts. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). The leading and most common symptoms being weight gain/obesity and irregular/missed periods. Finally..after 16 years of wondering why I was built the way I was, I finally saw a glimpse of hope. PCOS is a whole world of symptoms, factors and treatments and takes horrible strain on your hormones. So, we started the process of finding the right path for me. In this journey, I finally for the first time in my life saw the scale moving and this time it was going down.

This joy didn't last long as with treatment, dieting and weightloss the issues with ovulating went away and found I was pregnant. Which I was happy about, especially knowing the struggles of infertility with PCOS, I was thrilled. But, the very day I learned I was pregnant with Samara, we lost my grandma. So the darker side of things meant this pregnancy started to mess with my treatments that were once working and I started losing control mentally. I held strong through my pregnancy, trying not to give up and was able to maintain my weight, only gaining 20lbs with her. After Samara was born however, I struggled even more mentally and started to struggle physically. I once again gave up on myself and gained back everything I had previously lost and then some. In this time, my brother also became very ill. For anyone who knows me, they know how much my brother meant to me. He was my brother, my dad, my best friend.. my defender, my absolute lifeline, he was my everything. As my brother was fighting his own battles through surgeries, comas, rehab to merely feed himself again..he saw me caving. One day when we went to visit him in the hospital, he asked if he could speak to me alone, of course we told him yes. He looked me in the eye and asked me a question I will never forget.. "where is my sister?" At first I was confused, then he went on to explain that I wasn't myself. He could see my sadness and how much I was faking. He made me promise to get help, so I did. I went to the same doctor that figured out my PCOS and she diagnosed me with postpartum depression. We immediately sought out medication and therapy, it took a little time but I started to see a change and I started to feel motivated. Once again, I was losing weight and had my mental health back on track.

At this point, Samara was 18 months old so we were getting into the fun times with her and life just seemed to be nearly perfect. Through this joy, once again it was suddenly ripped away in September 2016. My brother, William, lost his battle a day before his 30th birthday. This was just a week after he finally got to come home, after being hospitalized for nearly 2 years. I was beyond broken. I was better, he was supposed to be better, we were planning a birthday party for everyone to finally be able to see him. We were supposed to start going on walks and getting his strength back from home together. I wanted to quit so badly, but I made him a promise and I knew I couldn't let him down. He saved me and I needed to save myself this time. Two weeks after losing my brother, I lost my grandpa. Our family was torn. None of us knew how to keep going or hold on. But I got my shit together and I busted my ass, I had struggles mentally, I failed physically multiple times but I never gave up. I went from 420lbs and a tight size 32 pant to a size 18. At that time, and still to this day, I have learned to not look at a scale and only focus on what size I want my body to be. I wanted to be in a 10/12 when I ended my journey and I was SO close.

But once again, I had a little interruption. In August 2018, I learned I was pregnant with Willa. This was completely unplanned and to be honest, I was angry. I had worked SO hard and hadn't quite reached my goal and just had a feeling this wasn't going to end well and I was right. My little Willa had me struggling. I quickly began to gain weight and no matter what we tried, it got away from me. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was heavily monitored for preeclampsia. The amount of time I spent hospitalized and at appointments throughout her pregnancy felt like more than I spent at home. All I kept thinking through it all was that all of my hard work, years of fighting, were down the drain. But I reminded myself she was here for a reason, I didn't name her after her Uncle Willy for nothing. As upset as I was with my body for failing me again, I knew I couldn't let myself fail again. I did it to Samara for the first year of her life and I refused to fail them both. So I fought. I finally got the all clear that I luckily did not develop type 2 diabetes. Unfortunately, through all of the hormonal changes and just health changes during my pregnancy..once again, my diets, and medications all failed to aid in losing.

I felt so beyond defeated. I gave it 2 more years of fighting this same battle then I finally took a step I had been keeping on the back burner for years, weight loss surgery. I went through all the processes, classes, tests, labs and scans for surgery which took nearly a year. In May of 2021 I finally had gastric-bypass. For the last two years I have still fought with body mentally and physically to cooperate. I have had other obstacles along the way, like a separation and medical issues like being diagnosed with hypotension and POTS, which makes working out extremely difficult..but through it all, I have finally done it.

I am FINALLY here!

After a lot of searching and phone consultations, this week I had an in-person consultation with the surgeon that gets to help me finalize this journey and help put my body back together. Weight loss is awesome but also has its downfalls, like leaving behind unwanted skin and other deformities. This has been my dream. This has been my lifelong fight. I am here and no matter what, I am going to make this happen. With that, however, I could use some help and I have been asked how people can help. Asking for help isn't something I do often in general. I feel weird asking for it, but for once in my life, I feel I deserve it. I don't want to be a barbie, I am not going above and beyond, I simply want left over skin removed and things lifted back into place. I want to be the most natural version of myself that I can be. No implants, no fillers, nothing like that. (absolutely nothing against that, that just isn't my personal goal) This surgery is expensive and it was suggested I make a gofundme, but I am not sure I feel comfortable with that. Instead I would just like to share my story and if someone is financially able to support it, great. If not, maybe my story can help someone else who has been hiding themselves or working on their own journey. <3

https://t.co/lt0bC5HD8w

PS: I know I rambled and I probably left out so much in this entire thing. I could have written for days and still missed something. I just hope this shows my passion and my fight over the years. I know this last piece of the puzzle is an elective thing. I COULD live with this skin, but this journey has been to finally feel like myself. To be a happier healthier me. With the loose skin, there become skin issues. Insurance only covers a select surgery (a panni) and you have to have months/years of medical issues for that to be covered. I have been fighting long enough, I do not want to fight anymore, especially not for insurance to cover only a very small portion of a 29 year journey.

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@Lincinatorr @GetGanqed Thank you tator!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@GetGanqed Thank you ♥️

[Nilla @nillabtw]

happy birfday Nathanial! @PullOutLateNate

[Nilla @nillabtw]

I swear this week has been a fucking hellacious blur. I’ve barely slept because I literally can’t get comfortable and I’m just overall sore/stiff. Willa’s been sick, Samara was sick, my mom fell and broke a vertebrae in her back where she had surgery. I’m just…I’m done.

[Nilla @nillabtw]

To update, I am beyond miserable. I’ve had multiple surgeries, injuries, etc in my life and I can say this is hands down the absolute worst. I have never felt so helpless. Not to mention life threw some other obstacles at us this weekend. Praying it’s only up from here. 🙏🏼

[Nilla @nillabtw]

Yesterday was (hopefully) my last skin removal surgery. It is also 1000% the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I’ve fainted, my teeth uncontrollably chatter, cold sweats, etc. I never could have prepared for this pain but I know it will all be worth it in the end!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@kickxgeneral It’s been something else. My family knows I’m very independent and have a high pain tolerance, so for this to be so visibly painful they’ve been super concerned. I’ve apparently turned into a ghost several times lol.

[Nilla @nillabtw]

Yesterday was (hopefully) my last skin removal surgery. It is also 1000% the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I’ve fainted, my teeth uncontrollably chatter, cold sweats, etc. I never could have prepared for this pain but I know it will all be worth it in the end!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@kickxgeneral oh they are just wonderful little butthead per usual! hahah. ill get back to it one day, i just want to make sure its a time in my life where i can stick to it a little more. i hate streaming once every few months, lol.

[Nilla @nillabtw]

how i feel when i open twitter most days..

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@kickxgeneral Hiii! I am great, I hope things are good with you!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@PullOutLateNate Most days, same. My brain fog really be foggin it up sometimes.

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@ShipStreaming @ManBearPolecat @OnlyGuyLeft Done ☑️

[Ship @ShipStreaming]

4x Renegade Raider giveaway🔥

All you need to do to enter is :

1.Follow me and @OnlyGuyLeft

2.Repost ♻️

3. Comment Done 💭

4. Giveaway Ends December 25❄️☃️

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@EriciaJackson If I’m home I will! Which I should be at least off and on.

[OutTrump3d @OutTrump3d]

YO!!!

Busy day today and mold people are still all around the house so no stream tonight…

BUT EVERY GAME WILL BE AT LEAST DOUBLED TO $20 A MATCH EACH AND EVERY GAME TOMORROW!!!

MONEY MATCHES ARE GOING TO BE NUTS!!! BE THERE!!!🫡💰👀

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@PerfectTilt happy birthday bod! 🥰

[Nilla @nillabtw]

No matter what life throws at me, I will never let it cloud the light the two of you shine. First day of 4th grade and first day of Kindergarten. 💜

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@kickxgeneral Thank you!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

Starting off 34 with a surprise 3 day vacation to St. Louis for my babies! I can’t wait to pick them up and tell them!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

@EriciaJackson Thanks!

[Nilla @nillabtw]

34 years and life is still full of surprises. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store. 🎂