Went to my son's career day yesterday
The teacher said each parent gets 3 minutes
I asked if there was a hard stop or if this was more of a "suggested timeline"
She said 3 minutes
The dad before me was a firefighter. The kids loved it. He brought a helmet. Let them try it on. Very theatrical.
My son whispered "don't worry, you're going to do great."
I wasn't worried. I brought a pitch deck. Objects aligned perfectly horizontally and vertically.
14 slides. One appendix. Two scenario analyses. A waterfall chart I stayed up until 11pm simplifying so a 5 year old could follow the value creation framework.
Slide one: "What is a CFO."
Slide two: "What is EBITDA."
Slide three: "Why EBITDA matters."
Slide four: "Why adjusted EBITDA matters more."
I lost the room at slide one.
One kid asked if I help people. I said I help companies become more efficient. He asked if that means I fire people. I said no, we right-size.
He started crying.
The teacher stepped in. Said maybe we could do a Q&A instead. Great pivot. Very collaborative.
A girl in the front row asked what I make. I said Excel spreadsheets and PowerPoint decks. She said "my mom makes cupcakes." Different verticals.
My son stood up and said "my dad makes companies worth more money so the people who own them can sell them for a lot of money."
Dead silence.
The teacher said "that's... one way to describe it."
My son said "it's the only way to describe it."
I have never been more proud of anything in my entire life.
I told him that in the car. He said "thanks, can we get Chick-fil-A."
My son asked if the expense was tax deductible.
One could argue I'm teaching my son more than the teacher.
We got Chick-fil-A.
Plz fix. Thx.
Sent from my iPhone
Teaching my daughter about payroll withholding
She did chores all week so I owe her $10
I hand her $7
> this isn't $10
"right, I withheld the rest"
> what does that mean
"I kept $3 of your money"
> but it's my money
"It was your money"
> what are you even doing with it?
"Funding household infrastructure"
> what
"The roof over your head. The hallway you walk through to get to the bathroom. The door locks that keep strangers out"
> you're charging me for the hallway
"I'm charging you for access to the hallway. The hallway itself was a capital expenditure"
> you're my dad. you're supposed to---
"I'm also your government"
> what if I don't want to pay for the hallway
"Then I can't guarantee the hallway"
> it's a hallway. It's already there
"For now"
She asks what else the $3 covers
"Meals, dispute resolution, nightlight maintenance"
> dispute resolution?
"When your brother takes your toys and I make him give them back. That's taxpayer funded"
> that's just parenting
"That's the Department of Justice"
> what about meals. You already feed me
"That's a social program. Not everyone qualifies"
> I'm your daughter
"Which is why you're currently enrolled"
She wants to see where the money goes
I tell her that would require a FOIA request
> what's that
"A form asking me to show you what I do with your money. Processing time is 6 to 8 weeks"
> 6 weeks to see where my $3 went?
"Could be longer. We're understaffed"
> there's two of you
She asks how she gets any of it back
"It's already spent"
> you spent my money already?
"We had a budget shortfall"
> you just took it 20 seconds ago
"And the deficit existed 30 seconds ago. The timing worked out"
> so I'm not getting it back
"I didn't say that. You might qualify for a refund"
> of my own money
"Correct. You just have to fill out a form telling me how much you made"
> you know how much I made. You paid me
"Right but I need you to tell me how much I paid you"
> so you already know the answer
"The point is compliance"
She asks what happens if she gets the number wrong
"Penalty"
> from the money I don't have because you already spent it?
"We could set up a payment plan"
> I'm 8
"Monthly installments. Very manageable"
> you're going to penalize me for getting wrong a number you already know and then make me pay you back with money you took from me
"Now you're getting it"
> I want to talk to mom
"Mom's not a qualified representative. She can't help you here"
She stormed off to her room saying how this is extortion
Slammed the door
That's my little citizen
I've never been more proud
Fine I’ll weigh in
Canada:
-Maple leaves
-Zero national championships
-Zero Dollars General
Alabama:
-Beautiful kudzu covering every inch
-18 to 27 national championships depending on the bumper sticker of the truck you’re behind on 20/59
-Dollar General on every corner