Umbral Paraclete

Abundant historical falsity.

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Jonathan Swift wrote a less well-known follow-up, "An Immodest Proposal," which began, "Seriously, we should all eat Irish babies."

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Emil Erlenmeyer secretly loathed the flask that bears his name, but he never let on the entire time they worked together.

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Horatio Alger is less well-known for his Roger Stayputt series, in which the hero rises from lower- to middle-class status in but 75 years.

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Abraham Lincoln originally wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of a confederate prisoner of war with a saber dipped in puma's blood.

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J.D. Salinger is fond of streaking through public while wearing a Thomas Pynchon mask.

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Noah Webster is less well-known for writing the first edition of the Klingon-English dictionary as well.

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Mark Twain always carried a sword cane, with which to repel frequent attacks by ninja, Thuggee assassins, and book reviewers.

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T.S. Eliot's flesh was cold to the touch, and scores of silverfish slithered beneath his skin, maintaining his unholy grip on the lifeforce.

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When Pres. Cleveland's opponents chanted ""Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?" he retorted: "And how IS your mater? Still servicing clap-ridden hobos?"

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It has yet to be determined which Founding Father impishly signed the Declaration of Independence as "Chuck U. Farley."

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Woodrow Wilson was fond of playing the alpenhorn, which, strangely enough, made him a total bitch magnet.

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Thomas Jefferson was a Renaissance Man, in that he dressed as a 15th century minstrel/juggler. John Adams often called him "President Spaz."

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Otherwise uninspiring President Millard Fillmore installed the White House's first bathtub... FILLED WITH THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS!!!

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In 1820, East Indakota was admitted as the 23rd state. It was disqualified when photos of the young state showed up in a "art" magazine.

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The Tunguska event was brought about by the introduction of a strain of mutant beets to the area's highly acidic soil. The rest is silence.

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For his 2nd rocket launch, Robert Goddard strapped a Felix the Cat doll to it and cackled when it took off and blew all to shit.

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Martin Luther's 96th Thesis stated that the Pope was a big fathead.

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President Rutherford Birchard Hayes's parents named him by pointing at random words in the dictionary.

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The megaliths at Stonehenge are made of taffy. Very old, very tough, inedible taffy, but taffy nonetheless. Those druids were wacky!

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Heman Melville's original manuscript for Moby Dick was rejected by multiple publishers until a wise friend advised him to "ditch the ninja."