The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris)

Ever youthful and eternally optimistic purveyor of puns, silliness, rhyme and occasional song. Fluent in both English and Bullshit. Lifelong follower of #LUFC

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun #Ratemypun
This Goth girl asked for a Vampire tattoo to cover 95% of her face, the tattooist didn't bat an eyelid.

[LUFCDATA @LUFCDATA]

LANDMARK: Leeds have recorded consecutive away wins against Nottingham Forest in a single season for the first time in our history.

We've recorded back-to-back away wins at Forest for the first time since 1969 under Don Revie.

WHAT A START! 🔥

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

Can't believe the French Foreign Legion still use guillotines in the desert.
Obviously they continue to bury their heads in the sand.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun
I went for my flu jab and couldn't stop making silly jokes because it was given to me by a guy called Doctor Needle.
He accused me of taking his name in vain.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

We took a straw poll at work today and 75% thought it was the same as hay.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

Went to a swingers night, it was rubbish we just sat there watching a movie about an old car.

Pretty shitty gang bang then?

No it was Herbie the Love Bug.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

When Egon Ronay did a book signing there was a notice telling fans not to shake his hand but to just touch him lightly.

Pat Egon here?

No, Waterstones in York.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

My dog ate an expensive bag of sequins and now runs around endlessly, pooing all over. I reckon each turd is worth about £5.

Per pet jewel motion?

Yeah it never stops.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

I went to cheer up my glum mate who's hands were heavily bandaged after after a nasty accident.
He's not been feeling himself lately.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

@dredd_dred How did You guess? There's normally 4 but one said "Don't bring me down"

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

Cops pulled a speeding car with 3 Jeff lynne impersonators inside.
When they got out a cop said "ELO, ELO, ELO, what's going on ere then?"

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

@gtmaddison Haha, that should give him a boost!

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

This strange Bull/Sheep hybrid animal was trying to jump over a bale of straw with it's eyes closed.
I went over and said "Hay! ... look beef or ewe, leap.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#Lunchpun

Don't believe the story about this family of Wolves called Falsehood, Porky, Untruth, Fib, Deception and Perjury.
It's complete pack of lies.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#lunchpun

My mate told me he once had a room-mate from a native American tribe.

"Wow! share a key?" I asked.

"No, Navajo" he Answered.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#lunchpun

My daughter got through to a second interview for a job with a photo editing software company.
"Wow that's great!" I said, "Make sure you Keep me in the picture".

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#lunchpun

I once had a mistress who complained for twenty years about my constant farting.
It was a long-winded affair.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#lunchpun

I wanted to buy something nice to carry all my keys together but the salesman just fobbed me off.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#LunchPun

A lorry carrying Brillo pads just crashed into a skip full of dirty old ovens.
Police are scouring the scene.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

@AndrewMac21nov Thanks!

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#LunchPun

They've just recaptured the big cat that was running free at our local zoo.

Was it a stray lion?

No, from Africa I think.

[The Bard of Thornton Watlass (Or just plain Chris) @Norfolkinidea]

#LunchPun

I saw a documentary about the construction of Spaghetti junction yesterday.
It was quite interesting in a round about sort of way.