Normal Macdonald

This is my unofficial twitter i like bananas. this ones kinda brown.

[Tuna Town @TunaTown666]

Super Cat Super Chat from Mondays show thanks Johnt4774 “Yo I’ll have a water and a ketchup packet-Barry at this deli to steal WiFi” @BarryRibs @WhiteGuysComedy @levy_sir 👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

I saw a sign on a garbage truck the other day that said ‘DO NOT FOLLOW TOO CLOSELY’… another one of life’s simple pleasures struck down by meddling bureaucracy.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

@JennieSays_ @DavidSpade @ConanOBrien @AdamSandler @DaveChappelle I didn’t even know he was sick.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

President Joe Biden officially recognized the Armenian Genocide today. The administration admits this would have come sooner had it not been for the phony mustache and sunglasses.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

How many people have to die before we finally do something about dropping pianos?

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

There's a new 3D version of The Great Gatsby coming out. In 3D, it’s almost like the sober examination of the unrestrained materialism and absent moral center of the roaring twenties jumps right out at you!

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A Florida university student was caught streaking on campus and apparently told police he was on acid, and asked them to cut his dick off. Boy, these kids today are crazy, in my day we didn't need drugs, we would just cut our own dicks off.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A new report from the CDC states that only one third of Americans use condoms while two thirds of Americans are still pretty cool.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

I'd like to take this moment to say I endorse Podiums. That's a product I can stand behind!

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise among dogs. They say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sandwich.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A man in Taiwan reportedly cut off his own penis to win an argument with his wife. That reminds me of that episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where Raymond forgot Debra’s birthday and had to cut his own cock off.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A Florida man was arrested for stealing $76,000 worth of Campbell's Soup. I, for one, hope this guy goes away for M'm M'm Good.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

Music is the universal language, but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

Remember the hit 80's song "It's Raining Men"? I don't think it would have been as popular had they used Paul Schaffer's original demo title: CORPSE STORM!

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A new study finds that men are more likely to blame stress from work as a contributor to their poor mental health, while women are more likely to jabber on about something or other.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread gossip. At least that’s what I heard Rick tell Brad, who, by the way, has a crush on Patty.

[Normal Macdonald @normalmacdonald]

@normmacdonald @Buck I call shenanigans.