Not Reese Witherspoon

Hi! I'm actually not Reese Witherspoon. I might be her cat, but I also might not be.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

It’s Grammy time!

[The Gay Goddess™ @thegaygoddesstm]

Make it stop #BoycottGoldfish

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Witness wasn’t a flop.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Honestly the worst part of the RNC has been the cheesy ass orchestral music, which is saying something.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

I have noticed an uptick in the number of times “male homosexual” is used on Wikipedia rather than “gay.” Most of my edits now are just fixing this. Such a bizarre way to be homophobic.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

“God is my Judge” is what a serial killer puts in their IG bio.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

I LOVE in reality shows about something tragic when they begin their life story with: “I was a really happy child.”

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Sometimes in therapy I realize that everything I’m saying could be boiled down to: “Wow, I wonder what it’s like to be part of a loving family.”

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

The fatphobia permeating It Chapter Two is beyond reprehensible. And I thought Nancy Drew was bad.

[snowboiiii @snowboiiii]

every scene in cats begins with a new character appearing and being like “i’m peepety poopoo, the ass eating cat!” and then they sing a song with hardly any melody about how much they love eating ass then idris elba shows up and makes them disappear, this happens like 6 times

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

I love the idea of serving sizes being item specific, so as long as you move onto a new food, you can keep eating.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Does no one remember what an absolute piece of fucking shit @HowardStern was about Selena’s murder? How someone who behaved so disgustingly still has a career is beyond me.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

@jk_rowling Have you considered shutting the fuck up and not advocating for discrimination against trans people?

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

@charli_xcx Yes queen!

[Perfume Genius @perfumegenius]

I like to think about something I really shouldn’t do for hours or even a full day and then just do it and go to bed

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Cocktail night = HAHA JK GAY WEED ORGY

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Friend: When did you come up with that?
Me: When I was manic.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Me: I mean you should see my hair right now, I look impressively like Honey Boo-Boo's mom. #icon

Friend: Sure thing, Mrs. Boo-Boo.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Never forget how wickedly cruel you were.

[Not Reese Witherspoon @not_witherspoon]

Me: why is everyone here so beautiful.
Sister: welcome to Europe.