Alyssa

a buttery crispy flake

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I had a dream I had a baby, and now I miss that lil son of a bitch

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

@lindsay02261980 Did you like it?

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

Was Vacation Bible School a real thing or was it just a bad recurring dream

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

turns out there is a strict return policy

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

If my baby doesn’t look like my clone I’m going to get a refund

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I called the cat Charlotte and I called my daughter Meatball

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I got an adrenaline rush from killing a wasp

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I’m officially a facebook marketplace mom

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

My bfs kids when I make garlic bread out of hamburger buns

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

becoming a mother means picking someone else’s nose

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

when I remember what the 3am version of me bought while I was feeding the baby

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

Potatoes and Meatball

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

@NatFakeAcount I can’t wait for you to meet her, I’m totally gonna cry

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

Mfw the ceiling fan is turning at the perfect speed

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

me when I read a chapter of an actual book

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I’m worried that the baby thinks people can’t change

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

my right boob after I pump 6oz out of it

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

Of course I would have ridiculous egg cravings during a time when eggs are a bajillion dollars

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

me when my baby sleeps 5 hours straight

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

I farted and my boyfriend said “huh?”

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

Apple juice doesn’t fuck around

[Alyssa @notalyssa]

“Butt Crack” sung to the tune of “Love Shack” - a love song inspired by my boyfriend