Andrew Schwartz

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@instagram my account was compromised and your built in recovery tools are not working. It seems like Twitter is my only chance at getting a direct reply. Is there any way you can help?

[A R T O I S @imartois]

When you realize Cardi B and Lil Nas X don't exist to raise your children and you have to do it.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@SRSLY2CUTE4U @Luhrisuh now that's a sandwich you can really get behind!

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

Duh, because folks voted for him.

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

They are finding Biden votes all over the place — in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan. So bad for our Country!

[Bernie Sanders @BernieSanders]

Let me congratulate the state legislature for making Vermont the 11th state in the country to legalize marijuana and also for expunging past marijuana convictions. Now, it is time for Congress and the federal government to end the war on drugs and legalize marijuana nationwide.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

"We all start out emulating something...
And if you're lucky enough you become yourself." ~ Jerry Cantrell

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@Angeles_NF Is the forest reopened?

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

Fracking is bad bad. This is a selling point!

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris BOTH want to BAN FRACKING.

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Tonight, @FLOTUS and I tested positive for COVID-19. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

I love how the government shuts down every six months yet we didn't even close when that Pontiac Bonneville drove through the front windows.

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

If you're under 18 and wish to explore our Adult Section simply bring us a doctor's note confirming you have entered puberty.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

I wish I didn’t care.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

Ants in my lunchbox. Arguably better than ants in your pants, but still...

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@realDonaldTrump we will destroy you.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@realDonaldTrump you’re fired. GTFO.

[CBS News @CBSNews]

FULL STAFF: As American flags across the nation continue to remain at half staff to honor John McCain, the flag on top of the White House has been brought to full staff, less than 48 hours after the senator and war hero's death. https://t.co/DZUsRMtUXM

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

Happiness is an illusion. ⚡️

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@realDonaldTrump we (the American people) will destroy you. 🇺🇸

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@realDonaldTrump your ship is sinking, you treasonous crook.

[Andrew Schwartz @notaschwartz]

@realDonaldTrump maintained radio silence yesterday while his comrades were under fire.

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

Just a reminder that while Netflix was busy adding commercials to your experience we were busy adding ant traps to give you an ant free experience.