music

[music @notbencallahan]

my life was so disorganized before i got an alarm clock. now every day i get up at 2pm on the dot

[music @notbencallahan]

During the eulogy of a man who was murdered and cut into pieces, a family member remarked

"he was more than the sum of his parts"

[music @notbencallahan]

i've never celebrated my birthday

the only time i sing the happy bday song is while i'm washing my hands

[music @notbencallahan]

I'm so bad at cooking

for years I was seasoning my steaks with pepper spray

[music @notbencallahan]

i always confuse IUD with IED (improvised explosive device) but if you think about it, they're both technically forms of birth control

[music @notbencallahan]

I was in love with my high school girlfriend, she was the one that got away

literally she managed to escape my dungeon

[music @notbencallahan]

i heard about this trans bar that opened in midtown

i wanted to clarify if they identified as a bar, tavern, or pub

[music @notbencallahan]

new yorkers say if we can make it here, we can make it anywhere

really? you think we could make it in Aleppo? idk if we have the skill set for that

[music @notbencallahan]

In an attempt to sway the jury, Young Thug has officially changed his name to "Young Law-Abiding Citizen" after being charged with 8 counts ranging from possession of a machine gun to conspiracy to violate the RICO act

[music @notbencallahan]

A new controversial translation of the Bible has been released where it says Adam and Steve were actually God's first creation. Other newly revealed passages describe them having gay sex and redecorating the Garden of Eden multiple times.

[music @notbencallahan]

I framed the $20 I made from my first paid stand-up show. Last week I had to break it open to buy food.

[music @notbencallahan]

I've been doing daily affirmations this year...

I affirm that I AM a loser, I AM broke, and I HAVE failed

[music @notbencallahan]

every year i go to the gym for a few days on the planet fitness new years deal until tweaking my back lifting 5 lbs... then the cycle repeats

[music @notbencallahan]

Idaho murder suspect defense team says he “misunderstood” criminology assignment

[music @notbencallahan]

if there’s one thing we know about the recently busted Idaho murderer who was getting his PhD in criminology…

it’s that he has certainly flunked the semester

[music @notbencallahan]

my only ‘ick’ is if the girl reveals she has AIDS

[music @notbencallahan]

what would a homeless guy’s encampment be listed as on zillow?

zero bed, infinite bath?

[music @notbencallahan]

No one who is actually in poverty uses the term “I’m broke”

[music @notbencallahan]

Went to a fortune teller. She glanced at my hand and said I was doomed. Worst $120 i’ve ever spent.

[music @notbencallahan]

The English call the war in Ireland that spanned 30 years, resulted in thousands of deaths and two songs by the Cranberries, “the Troubles” … which is the biggest understatement I’ve ever heard