not cait //edtwt

thought dump/ non edtwt dni/ 19yrs old/semi forced recovery atm

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

my residential treatment center straight up doesn’t believe i’ll get better. “maybe we should focus on harm reduction” like damn i want to relapse but you giving me the okay to do so is not what i thought treatment would be.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

as soon as i get done with treatment i’m going back to my hobbies being vaping and scrolling edtwt just you wait.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i’m about to be the fattest bitch in residential. more and more i want to relapse hard again. oh well.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

uber eats just asked if i was 18+ to buy lax.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i will not lie, i am only okay with going to residential rn bc i cannot keep binging i am so desperate for it to stop and i am hoping this shit regulates my eating then later i can relapse into not eating later?

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i low key miss being around disordered friends 24/7 bc it made me feel normal (and also very much i got competitive and got ideas from that shit)

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

so excited to be the fattest bitch in residential but my binging is so bad rn i am so desperate for it to stop i barely care anymore🤩

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

how tf do y’all maintain all i know is loose weight and gain weight

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i didn’t fix my hunger fullness cues with recovery bc i felt like all my nutrition knowledge was bs and my dietitian did nothing i blame her.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

recovery was so nice when i was actually working towards it, then little lapses became big lapses so i have no one to blame but me

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i hate myself so much

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i’m hoping that i can go outpatient and not residential bc now i’m fat and don’t want to be the only fat bitch in residential. i have a call with an outpatient program in like twoish days and if they lemme go out paient then i won’t have to be residential

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

my dad walked in on me binging. this wouldn’t be an issue if i just didn’t eat.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i cannot believe i got fat (i knew this would happen bc i have no self control)

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i can’t purge again i can’t do that shit again. i need to re teach myself how to live off diet coke.

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

how did watching starving in suburbia trigger me to BINGE EAT

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

yet another day of saying i’m not gunna eat and then eating way too ducking much and getting fat 🤩

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i am yet again asking how do i have an ass and not eat

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

i cannot believe i got fucking fat and relapsed with bulimia and now might have to do impatient for that when the whole point of me “recovering” was to not do impatient and now i won’t even be underweight and i bet all the other girls will🤩🤩🤩

[not cait //edtwt @notcait3]

the switch in my brain going from “let’s go back to starving” to “no that just ends in b/ping and you need to recover bc b/ping sucks” to “okay so loose weight in a healthy way” to “it’s okay to wait to loose weight til after u recover” to “OR we loose weight fast by starving”