Mark

According to my degree I'm some kind of writer, but I've been writing forever. So really I'm just a guy in a lot of debt.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I got called pretty today, actually the full statement was "youre pretty dumb" but im only focusing on positive things today

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

A mime put me in an invisible box and the fire department cant get me out does anyone have David Blaines number? We're running out of ideas

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Telling my jokes to my parents is kind of like 3 way sex, in that I disappoint 2 people at the same time

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I miss alcohol, I'd argue sobriety is worse than prison because atleast in prison there's wine

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Our relationship with cows is weird, like you can't fuck a cow but you can drinks its titty milk. Not that I'm advocating for change just weird that's where we draw the line.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Boogles my mind that dick picks became a thing. I feel like on an instinctive level, we should have known sending women pictures of our 5-inch. Mcnothing wasn't gonna go well, yet here we are... smh, you guys, take a lap

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I'm so confused by what just happened...
Random dude: How would you like a job watching my kids?
Me: sorry dude not looking for work. Plus, I'm not a babysitter, nor am I good with kids.
Random dude: I pay good, plus I don't really have kids
Me: What?
Random dude: *walks away*

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Some people say alcoholism isn't a real disease. I'm almost two years sober, and I gotta tell ya, our health care system certainly charges to cure it like it's a real disease

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

It doesn't matter what your bumper sticker says, because having a bumper sticker on your car means you're garbage

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I cant take my parents generation seriously. They grew up singing "we didn't start the fire" and then blame the new generation for whats wrong in the world

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

It's bold of the health care industry to assume that I enjoy being alive enough to charge me $559.80/month for prescription medicine.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Why is anyone upset over the amount of military aid we send a foreign country? Yet never upset over how much overspending America does on our military budget that a large portion of things go unused and then are donated to make room for more stuff we don't need?

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Why is it always "blame the younger generation" instead of "older generation accepts accountability for their actions"?

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Friday, I received an award for being at the top in my field. Today I caught this. Honestly, I'm not sure which I'm more excited about.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I don't condone dog fighting in any way, shape, or form, but I have instigated several cat fights.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but for one beautiful second there, he united America. For the first time in a while, the MAGA crowd and reasonable adults were able to agree that Trump lying about his weight was hilarious.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Weird how we normalize otherwise crazy behavior. Example: I love my Jersey collection. I have a closet full of other guys uniforms, many I've never met before. Some I wear, some are on display in my house, and some I paid alot for. Definitely weird for a "straight" guy to do imo

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Yoooooo Abbs dropped a new single check it out! https://t.co/vXck0y5aF0

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

If you would call a rhinestone bedazzled suit a "want" instead of a "need". Then I don't expect you to understand why I paid $10,000 for one. If ya know ya know

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

Not a lot of ladies know thi, but it's actually perfectly normal for one of a man's balls to grow to be 4x the size of the other one and turn purple. Am i right fellas?... Like if you knew a guy that had that, he wouldn't have to go see a doctor... right, guys?

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I went through a phase. Where if I was losing an argument I would just repeat what ever was said back, but mockingly sing it back as if I was James Brown.
Semi related: I'm no longer in my parents will