Dead Pan Nick

24/7/365 Observer. Picture-taker. Frequent participant. Occasional make-happener. Bowling. Clouds.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

When I said I was "down to earth," I meant that I am like a hungarian goose feather comforter, lain upon the earth.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

Gen Z is first generation in a minute who earnestly believes in entering contests. Where are you at, publishers clearinghouse.

[Horned Sphere @Horned_Sphere]

That new Nathan Fielder movie had the hipster theater hootin and hollerin like a black church last night

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

It takes some serious intentional naivety to call willful ignorance by any other name

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

Hard work is only hard because you aren't getting paid enough to do it.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

It's one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you've got a golf tee in each nostril, that's a pattern. Wake up.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

@JimmyTraina One of his very first shows was in Boulder and he didn't know shit about Boulder. I'm not sure he knows shit about shit.

[Mina Kimes @minakimes]

Me when my parents rented DEEP IMPACT from Blockbuster

[Spooky Blaylock 🎃🕷️ @velodus]

*flirting* You're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on in the Statcast era

[Jagger May @JagSays]

“Babe do we have to watch Daniel Jones vs Athan Kaliakmanis first thing or can we go to brunch?”

Me:

[perfect angel @girl__virus]

i've been nothing but a complete nightmare to you and this is how you treat me

[Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein]

i coulda told you that if your slow ass could catch up to me

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Humans beings weren't meant to endure this much two factor authentication.

[World of Statistics @stats_feed]

The most complex word in the English language is "run", with 645 possible different meanings.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

The feminine urge to fall in love with a handsome drifter and become a cold case

[CreekPete 🇨🇦 @CreekInCAN]

Artificial Turf will now be known as Super Grass.

[scarecrow 🚫👎 @snowcrowsy]

i have yet to find an adhd trick for getting around executive dysfunction that works for me because every single one just makes me go "okay but i could also NOT do that"

[Davis Mattek @DavisMattek]

The best thing about the current era of the NFL is these ancient QBs being wheeled out like trebuchets and immediately being better pure passers than the young athletes they are replacing. The Joe Flacco Conundrum.

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Dressing as Chris Hansen for Halloween and showing up to people’s houses while they’re giving out candy to children and asking them “you see how this looks, right?”

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

(Baseball game)

Hotdog guy: hotdogs!

Me waving him down: all good over here

Him: what?

Me standing up and going to him: I don’t want a hotdog

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

@MaseDenver I think we got a favorable make up call however