Skurt Vonnegut

Not Sofia Coppola

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

I was born at the gas station and I'll die at the gas station

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

plot twist: finding the toilet seat too dry

[carina @livelaughslop]

(flirting) can i preserve you in formaldehyde

[Dubz ❤️ @GDitka]

born to be likeable, destined to ruin friendships with my humor

[The REAL #CheekyDre @CheekyDre]

I've never flirted with anything but death and law enforcement...

[Henry 3000 @Henry_3000]

Just a reminder that the lamest defense you can possibly launch for yourself begins with the phrase: "Yeah, but what about you?"

[Jacquelyn🍒 @Jacq_inabox]

my problem is everytime someone is nice to me I think they must be dying

[Lilly Hale ♌ @LillyHale1]

Can't tweet too much today, I'm busy dusting my hobos for ticks.

[Party Waffle @PartyWaffle]

You don't get to treat me like shit just because you're hot. You can treat me like shit if you're ugly too.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

*christmas eve. santa creeps into the parent’s room, gently nudges the husband awake & whispers*
i accidentally clogged your toilet.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

@EdgarPoop1 😍😍😍

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

Need someone who can keep up with me mentally, emotionally and rotisserie chickenly

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Remember when doctors used to make house calls and get trapped in the elaborate system of nets and pulleys you installed on your porch and then spend the whole day screaming for help and not even make your sore throat go away?

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

*watching a man eat a brick of cheese like an apple*

Is your toilet going to be okay tonight?

[fightgeek @fightgeek]

i’m going to start an apprenticeship. an apprenticeship in being a fuckface

[CoCo @unhingebinge]

Just me and my delusional daydreams against the world.

[Buddawiggi @MarkBuckawicki]

The Earth is flat because of climate change

[Slim Plimsoll @slimplimsoll]

I’m beginning to think the weird smell in my house is me.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Venerable old museums weren't designed with modern traffic flow. But no worries, they can put up some signs. “Turn right” is just one example.

[진아 @EdgarPoop1]

They're turning Spirit Halloween into a data center

[Blather Wince Repeat @xerxesbigboy]

Whew! The chiropractor said my petard hoisting injury is metaphorical.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

@manofletterz I can debone them hoes with lightning speed