Burning Mom ⚡️

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

My personal brand is ballet flats and a check engine light.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Always looking up.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

@EldonSwain He wishes I succeeded so he could be number one

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Hey everyone, I just got back from 19th century Austria, where I time traveled to kill baby Hitler. I failed. I stuck out like a sore thumb and didn’t speak the language. They threw me in prison for 35 years when I broke into the Hitler apartment with a weapon. That’s why I look like shit right now. I just made it back to the Time Machine and now I’m back home but I’m an 80 year old woman.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

If I share my Beaufort Wind Scale/Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale chart with you then I recognize and honor the nerd in you.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Summertime easy living 💯

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

@SprolesThe @Bob_Janke Oh my bad. Yeah that makes more sense 😂

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

Why is Snoopy, an American dog, Flying a British Sopwith Camel

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

I made it a full day without eating a single Trader Joe's S'mores Cluster. I think I will reward myself by eating the entire bag.

[YONEWT 🆒 @yonewt]

I just want to walk into one more sliding glass door before i die

[Bad Mikey @BadMikeyBad]

If one of your favorite songs got ruined be associating it with an asshole, you could be entitled to compensation

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

@notmondiesman That intersection looks familiar to me somehow. Strange 🧐

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Inevitably, we discuss melon wrapped in prosciutto. I raise my hand. “Couldn’t we just throw the melon on the ground for ants to drag away?”

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

*watching a man eat a brick of cheese like an apple*

Is your toilet going to be okay tonight?

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

You drop your favorite coffee mug. Defying logic, all the broken pieces are shaped like Gorbachev's birthmark.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

It's only cute when I drive like shit. The rest of you need to get it together.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

I was born at the gas station and I'll die at the gas station

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

Really in the mood for a sketchy diner meal served by a waitress with a dark past

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

There was a lull in conversation at the dinner party so I casually mentioned how weird it would be if one of us got murdered like in those zany movies.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Life changing 🪩

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Guess who just won a 75 inch TV in a raffle?! THIS GIRL!