Her Tall Boots

sorry i'm not the needle in the haystack
my one-eyed cat from the hood plus me cleaning urinals)

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Inevitably, we discuss melon wrapped in prosciutto. I raise my hand. “Couldn’t we just throw the melon on the ground for ants to drag away?”

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

based on tv commercials i'd ride my bike waaay more if i had allergies

[Jimbob @Jimbob10441721]

Not to brag but when i lie down i dont look fat at all.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I don't think every piece of clothing I own adds up to $2,199 dollars

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

one time before a very severe rain storm my dad built a large ark in our driveway & loaded it up with two of every brand of steak sauce he could find.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

If I ever get murdered, don't call the police, call a white lady with a podcast.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

When my brother’s girlfriend Sharona dumped him, I called him and sang the bass part to My Sharona and ended with “Myyyyyy Condolences.“

[Jack Boot @IamJackBoot]

My screenplay about sloths running from an advancing glacier admittedly has some pacing issues.

[Buddawiggi @MarkBuckawicki]

Don’t judge a book by its cover or eat when you’re hungry or do a little dance, make a little love or get down tonight

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

I'm banned from England because of my controversial tweets about blood pudding.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

I hate seeing gay people kissing in public.

I hate seeing straight people kissing in public.

I hate seeing dogs boop noses in public.

I believe in German efficiency and British detachment in public.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

I have no evidence for this but I think the pretty animals know that they're pretty.

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

Quantum entanglement with a ham sandwich

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Bottled water is like regular water except… Nope, it’s just like regular water.

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Whales are admittedly majestic, but I just can’t take a species serious that has something called a “blowhole.” In fact, never mind — too silly, no majesty.

[fightgeek @fightgeek]

yeah i'm from here, you know who else is? goddamn Gary Cooper and my dad

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

If you are so smart why are you on Twitter arguing with cartoon characters.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I just got kicked out of a wine tasting for saying "these taste the same" after every one I try

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Schrödinger's cat-like reflexes were the stuff of legend.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

i’m in the middle of giving a very lengthy & in-depth description of our culture when the leader of the space aliens interrupts me & asks, "do you mind explaining daylight savings time again?"