Herschel Pennymacker

I know why the caged bird drinks.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

Even as a child I knew that was a fucked up number of Dalmatians.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

The new dog is afraid of me and every time I enter a room she gets up and leaves. Which raises the question WHY WON’T EVERYONE ELSE DO THIS FOR ME, TOO??

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

My childhood doll went by the name Malaria Fern. Took her quinine like a champ.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

Europeans sharing a clip they call the greatest thing to ever happen on television and it's a puppet sitting behind a desk interviewing Pele

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Thank you, waiter. The duck was very daffy.

[Scott Millen @TheScottMillen]

As a kid, I'd live part of the summer in Ottertail County, Minnesota with my dad's folks. They & their cronies would gather in the shade about 3 PM, & start drinking spritzers: MD 20/20 cut 50/50 with 7-Up. I was bartender & learned early how restorative drinks are in the heat.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

If I were a cop I would totally abuse my power. I wouldn't steal drug money or anything like that but I would write extremely punitive tickets to every slack-jawed imbecile with a loud exhaust system.

[Wilde Thingy (new account) @WilderThingy]

Given the vastness of the universe, it's actually highly unlikely heaven is a place on Earth, Belinda.

[Scott Millen @TheScottMillen]

This morning my mom woke me the way she always has: In a clear, loud voice she said my name, first and middle.

This October it will have been 3 years since she died.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

[Deletes 900 screenshots]

Ok, weigh me now.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

@goblinsarevalid Thank you! I hope the boys in my cell block like it, too.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

My court-appointed attorney is a Juggalo, and I don’t mean in his spare time.

[Theonerealcheese @goblinsarevalid]

talking to the barista and immediately going home and telling Claude

[fightgeek @fightgeek]

you pass by on your run. i'm in the front yard with six dogs. we're all eating cartoonishly large reuben sandwiches

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

My pelvic floor is lava

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

Hmmm. Is that my knees or the floorboards creaking.

[🗝️ @EXAM1NER]

Thoughts fired.

[Philosopher King, Oracle @signalborder]

Words or terms that appear zero times in the Bible:
1. tomfoolery
2. zero hour
3. gazette
4. nachos
5. Dutton Ranch
6. cancer causing ingredients

[Jenny Doesnt Know @HighlyIngenious]

Cranky creatures control certain cemeteries

[Dinah @dinahaddie]

Took a funeral out today. Full procession. I drove the lead. Cemetery was outside of town. We went by a farm field where there was a man on a tractor. He saw us and stopped. He hopped off the tractor, took off his hat, and watched us go by.

Such a small thing, but it mattered.

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

im what you might call a lazy genius