A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness

23 she her • heinous queens lose faster

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

My body is literally everything I have. It is me. It is my physical embodiment. It is my outward essence. Therefore I should take care of it. I should try to be slender and gorgeous to best reflect my inner self in the world.

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Hey I’m back

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Where’s my drug addicted ex bf when I need him

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I don’t like being sober.

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I want to move back to London like now bc at least then I could escape my feelings by doing hard drugs and going to raves. Here in the countryside it’s just me and my thoughts and my pain and my misery 😷😷

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I took 3 xanax but I still don’t feel better

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

How to not process a minor life event as a trauma omg

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I feel like I should just start purging again cos honestly that made weight loss so much easier so maybe I’ll eat one meal a day and i guess just purge if I ever eat anything else but that’s a bad idea bc then my greedy binge brain will take that as an excuse to eat extra

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I feel super unmotivated to lose weight bc what’s the point when I don’t maintain it but then I also feel super unmotivated to stay fat bc being alone and looking in the mirror makes me want to cry

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I can’t believe I really dropped like 5 bmi points in a matter of months last year and this year only to gain them all back in the 4 months I’ve been home. How is that even possible? Why am I extremely hungry all the time even though I’m fucking fat why can’t my body j eat that

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Besides maybe if I lose weight somehow I’ll stop being an absolutely hateable person or at least the bad parts of my personality will have shrunk so much diueto lack of energy to be a bad person that they won’t be so off putting and someone might actually want me

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Evidently intuitive eating is literally bs since I’m incapable of listening to my body

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I’m going to hold myself accountable by literally posting my one meal every day and no matter how hungry I am I cannot allow myself to eat anymore

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

What am I going to do to lose as much weight as possible by September so that I can stop hating myself:

1. Only allow myself to eat once a day
2. Remember that I’m now BMI 25 again +that is disgusting shocking so so bad
3. Not weigh myself again until September for motivation

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Ok so instead of being SAD I need to just think about LOSING WEIGHT bc that will at least take my mind off being SAD

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Genuinely don’t think this day could get any worse

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

The fact I really put off weighing myself for the 4 months I’ve been home, and in that time, I’ve gained a whole stone is both shocking and revolting to me…

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

I need to work out how to channel all this self loathing I feel rn into getting back on track with wl. Because January of this year I genuinely looked good and even if I hate myself I’d feel better if I looked in the mirror and saw the reflection I wanted.

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

It’s literally everyone that ends up not wanting to be around me or feeling I’m too much or telling me I ruin everything and it feels like I keep trying only to already be set up to fail and idk why im like this

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Why am I that person that feel suixdial every time i have to confront really fucking hard difficult emotions

[A hunny ☥ in a desolste wasteland of chubbiness @nubiangoddette]

Tbh the worst thing about trying to deal with shit is that I really feel I don’t have anyone to talk to like my friends don’t care and I also can’t trust myself bc it seems rn like I’m a bad bad person