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[Amiri King @AmiriKing]

My toddler loves Monsters Inc. especially Mike Wazowski.

Yesterday I was in Walmart and came across this cool t-shirt.

I immediately bought it, put it on in the car, and rushed home to show my toddler.

I hunted her down as soon as I came through the door.

She was sitting on the couch watching Hogi and eating Goldfish crackers.

I said, ‘Libby check out my cool new shirt!’

I was beaming. I just knew she was gonna think my shirt was the coolest shit ever.

She looked at me, looked at my shirt, scoffed, and yelled, ‘GO AWAY!’

Listen.

I don’t think we talk enough about what huge pieces of shit toddlers are.

That’s literally my TV you are watching.
I paid for those Goldfish crackers.
That’s my fucking couch.

I bought this cool t-shirt ONLY because of you.

And this is your response you f#ggot piece of sh!t??

You are wearing a shirt with a turtle on it that says, ‘Turtley Adorable’ you fuck!ng idiot.

You are broke.
Homeless.
Have poor life skills.
You can’t even fucking speak English.

You are basically a Somali immigrant only brighter in complexion and with much less forehead mass.

I’ll wipe my ass with this shirt.

Fuck this shirt.

Bitch nigga.

Your mom is fat.

[Spongebobkid90 @spongebobkid90]

@willsgardevoir i could deadass facefuck you

[j.h. @user_________01]

I bet drunk driving a muscle car back in the day was a near religious experience

[trip @tripplefcb]

U ugly as shit mud not gon hold u

[Ben Shapiro @benshapiro]

Perhaps "poop" or "rape" could have been the Time persons of the year. Because they already sort of are.

[Brittany Venti @BrittanyXVenti]

Put that shit into menthols immediately

[Bbg @BigBlueGoonie]

I’m a man of simple pleasures. All I need is a six-pack of beer, a joint of good weed, a couple gummies, 30 mg of Adderall, 0.5 mg Klonopin, a pizza, some ketamine nasal spray, a Coke Zero, half gram of blow, a Perc 30, a mock draft simulator, NFL pro and I’m perfectly content.

[sora 🍯 @strifefalgar]

Get that yam off yo face nigga!

[Moongazer @joeybeastmarket]

The costco produce section is a third world slum market. Ancient Marrakesh. I am seeing head shapes and hearing languages never before documented. These people were not meant to see pallets of bananas by the ton. They cannot comprehend the scale. We need 200 million deportations

[very baller cash money normal sane person @normal_ballerz]

i got a porn virus on my geek bar

[Marcus PorkChop Beckham Jr. @bigmarcusbbq]

My plans for this snowstorm include watching my DoorDasher hydroplane into a telephone pole then calling ice instead of an ambulance

[Tyler “Beaver Basher” O’Connor @BeaverBasher67]

This class boring as hell

[dunt @hehehehlolhehe]

Forty fucking dollars for a haunted house?
They better rape me in there.

[널포인터 @nullpo115]

thinking of becoming the next hitler

[Doctor Tom, Esq. @neosovietposter]

every single other person who is driving their car at the same time as me is a fucking animal who should be shot

[Anthony Bourdain @Bourdain]

One more episode of "My Little Pony", pop a Valium. Fly to Finland.

[Hulk Hogan @HulkHogan]

Poop in my gym brother HH https://t.co/TDRr2cQvbd

[FIORE @drakebonergif]

This is hands-down the greatest tweet ever conceived by man

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

got my dog microchipped so if he runs away I can just press a button and he’ll explode