wayne

backup only

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

What’s an oddly specific rule you follow in your life that nobody taught you, but you swear by it?

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

I asked a guy if I could kiss him.
He said yes.
I kissed him.
Everything seemed normal.

Three days later he called me shocked because his friend told him I was hitting on him.

Brother… I literally kissed you. What did you think was happening? A customer survey?

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

This girl on threads said that my husband asked for a divorce two weeks after I beat cancer. His exact words were: “I didn’t sign up to be someone’s caretaker forever.” After 21 years of marriage…
that’s what I became to him. A burden.
What he didn’t know was that during treatment, I quietly changed my will, separated my finances, and documented every asset we owned. So while he was busy planning his “new life,” my lawyer was preparing mine.The day court finalized the divorce, he looked genuinely shocked by how much he lost financially. I looked at him and realized something strange: The illness never destroyed me. But loving the wrong person almost did.

[her.🎀 @luv1bun]

Husband : “The baby has red hair.”
Wife : “Okay…?”
He: “We both have dark hair.”
“Your great-grandfather was literally ginger.”
“And your coworker is too.”

“Are you seriously accusing me of cheating right after I gave birth?”

“I’m just saying this doesn’t make sense.”

“You know what else doesn’t make sense? Destroying your marriage over hair color.”

“Then let’s do a DNA test.”
"NOOO, I DONT GO FOR DNA. YOU CANT DO IT.
HE:" You have to.

“Fine.”

Two weeks later.
“Read it.”

“99.9%… I’m the father.”

“Exactly. Happy now?”

“…This lab could’ve been paid off.”

“You cannot be this stupid.”

“And you cannot expect me to ignore what’s right in front of me.”

“What’s right in front of you is your daughter.”

“Or somebody else’s.”

“…Funny how the only person still talking about cheating is the one acting guilty.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means normal people apologize after proof. Cheaters keep digging.”

[her.🎀 @luv1bun]

This girl on TikTok said My cousin kept an unread email from his older brother for almost 5 years after he passed away.

He said opening it felt too final.

One night, after everyone had gone home, he finally clicked on it.

We thought it would be some deep goodbye. Something heartbreaking.

Instead, the email said:

“Mom thinks I don’t know you crashed her car.”

Pause.

Then:

“You reverse like a blind raccoon.”

Another pause.

“But you always blame yourself harder than anyone else ever could. Stop doing that.”

My cousin started crying instantly.

Not because his brother was gone.

Because for the first time in his life, he realized someone had understood him completely without needing an explanation.

Sometimes people don’t need solutions.

They just need someone who truly sees them.

[her.🎀 @luv1bun]

Yesterday my friends and I were at the pool, gossiping, snacking, pretending not to people-watch… when this older guy walks in.

Tan hat. Sunglasses. Confident little wave. Total “I’ve been retired for years and thriving” energy.

He sets his towel down, pulls out sunscreen… and starts trying to put it on his back like a raccoon trapped in a pillowcase.

I’m watching this man struggle, and his back is already the color of a fire truck.

So I lean over and whisper to my friends,
“Should I help him?”
One said : Don't try to flirt with someone's grandpa...
They immediately start wheezing. One of them goes,
“Please stop trying to adopt random men.”

I said, “I’m not adopting him.. he’s literally medium rare.”

So I yell across the pool,
“Sir! You missed… basically your entire back. Need some help?”

He looks over his sunglasses, smiles, and says,
“Yes please.”

So I walk over, take the sunscreen… and as I start helping him, this man goes—loud enough for the entire pool to hear—

“My wife said this would happen if I came alone.”

…And from somewhere behind me, I just hear my friends screaming,

“PACK IT UP, HOMEWRECKER.” 😭

[いえもり @iewori]

子供に「やめなさい」って言うだけじゃ絶対やめないけど、「ダサいからやめな」とか「面白くないからやめな」みたいに言ってみると、なんとやめない。全く効かない。

[ぺんたぶ @pentabutabu]

会社の、仕事が超デキるけど多少抜けてる後輩が

「私はたぶんADHDだけど、絶対に病院には行かない。もしADHDじゃなかったら、私はただのおっちょこちょいということになってしまう。こういうのは友達以上恋人未満と一緒で、関係をはっきりさせない方が幸せなんです」

と言いながら財布を探している。

[CENTAURO @Octavio_01]

Compré una sal del Himalaya cuyo origen según el envase es de hace 240 millones de años y resulta que se vence ahora en octubre.

[おき @oki_asset]

馬鹿だった。3年前に更年期の野菜不足を補うために「1杯で1日分の野菜」って信じて毎日青汁を朝晩2杯飲んでた。月4,000円。1年で48,000円。健康診断で腎臓の数値がギリギリって言われて栄養に詳しい友達に相談したら「毎日何を飲んでる？」って聞かれて答えた瞬間、怖すぎる一言、、、

[虚労20年生 @VvUew1]

グループワークの授業、再履修組がお題の答え知ってて無双してるのを見た講師がブチギレて、10分ぐらい再履修組を名指しで人格否定してたの本当に面白かった

[O脚コンパス @qFCzgTg3dN81481]

友達から「あの子北斗担だよ！」って教えて貰った子インスタ交換お願いしたら「インスタを交換しましょうという概念は友達になるという概念とほぼ一致します。これからよろしくお願いします」って言われて痺れた

[lack @lalalalack]

ひどい頭痛の最中
レモンを口いっぱいに頬張ることで全ての感覚が味覚に集中し頭痛が完全に消える
というライフハックを発明しました

[bao @baobabustroll]

妻の会話がつまらないって言ってるポスト見たんだけど、わたしはずっと実父から口開くたびに罵倒されるもんだから当たり障りのない相槌ばっかしてたら「おまえの話は浅い、おまえは全くモノをしらん、勉強ばっかりで経験がない、おまえはつまらん」って言われたんで、まあ、色々あるのかもしれません。

[あぽろ @_aporoG]

ちょっとエッチな話になるんですが、
4ヶ月前から肛門から股間にかけて強い痒みがあり、市販の色々な痒み止めやベビーパウダーを使用するも全く治りませんでした。

耐えられないので昨日皮膚科に行って、肛門と股間をお爺さんに見てもらい、処方された塗り薬を塗ったら1日で治りました。

あの長い苦しみはなんだったんでしょうか、病院すごいです。ライト付きのルーペみたいなやつで肛門を見られたり、触られて少し恥ずかしいですが、痒い方はすぐに病院行くことをおすすめします。

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

She texted me saying her period is about 10 days late.

We hooked up around two weeks ago, and I used protection, so I did not think too much about it at first. But then she brought up the possibility of being pregnant, and now my mind is all over the place.

We met on a dating app and have only been together for about four months. If she actually is pregnant, everything just feels way too fast. Honestly, I am not mentally ready for something like that yet.

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

Two of my drunk friends went into the bathroom together because they both really had to pee.

One started peeing, but the other couldn’t hold it. So he bent down and tried to pee in the same toilet from behind him, between his legs.

He ended up peeing all over the guy in front.They came out laughing and trying to explain it like it was the most normal thing ever 😂

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

My older brother and I were helping our uncle move a washer into his basement. Uncle’s at the bottom of the stairs, me and my brother are at the top trying to hold this heavy thing like two underpaid movers.

My uncle goes, “Y’all got it?”
We confidently say, “Yeah.”
The SECOND he moves it, we lose our grip and yell “NOPE.” 😭

This 300 lb man somehow went down two stairs and then basically launched himself the rest of the way like an action movie stuntman protecting that washer with his life.

The washer survived.
My uncle survived.
Me and my brother were crying laughing while contributing absolutely nothing useful.

[R. ☄️ @bunnyclipx_]

I had a friend whose roommate had a big German Shepherd. One day she came home from work and saw the dog playing with the neighbor kid’s pet bunny… except the bunny was de@d.

She freaked out, cleaned the bunny, blow dried it, and secretly put it back in the cage because she was scared to tell the neighbors her dog kil*ed it.

A few hours later, the neighbor’s kid started screaming. Turns out the bunny had already d!ed earlier, and they had buried it. The dog had dug it up and brought it home to play with 😭

[her.🎀 @luv1bun]

I’m a female driver.
I use the women-only filter, especially at night.

Sometimes I pull up… and instead of a woman, there’s a man waiting.
Last night, it wasn’t one.
It was two.

One of them smiled and said, “Relax, we’re not those kind of guys.”

I looked at him and said, “And every woman who ended up on the news thought that too.”

Silence.

Uber lets me cancel those rides without penalty, so I did.

As I pulled away, I heard one of them quietly say…

“Damn… she’s not wrong.”