Owen,

Preternaturally preoccupied with seeming cool

[Owen, @OCeezus]

*sits on stool with my guitar*
This is a little diddy I wrote down in Nashville. It's called "Cake in my Asshole." I hope you like it.

[Owen, @OCeezus]

A few things

#BlackLivesMatter
#DefundThePolice

If you live remotely near a protest, please go to one. It will replenish your soul. There are usually nice folks passing out masks. Pretty much everyone is nice! (Except the cops)

[Owen, @OCeezus]

@catluvr86 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Owen, @OCeezus]

Which publication will have the gumption to publish the “Why Quarantine Makes You Horny” column. Who will demonstrate the leadership we need in these trying times.

[Glenn Greenwald @ggreenwald]

This will make a great tagline for his campaign:

https://t.co/kWjGz9Brlx

[Glenn Greenwald @ggreenwald]

This is one of the most vile things you'll ever hear any mainstream figure say, and if you think you're going to bully or coerce or insult people into voting for him if he's the nominee, I think you're living in a very warped dream land.

[Owen, @OCeezus]

@gabesantos2015 Some people think cooking a frozen pizza is just a pastime. I think it’s an art.

[Owen, @OCeezus]

Donald Trump, listening to the Oscar Mayer Weiner song, gently weeping.

[Owen, @OCeezus]

https://t.co/jJkXQY4kfR

[Owen, @OCeezus]

Pretty wild that my parents allowed me almost unbridled access to the internet as a child. Equally wild that I used it to look up “how to solve a Rubik’s Cube”

[Owen, @OCeezus]

@abby_nutter Gonna have to direct that to one of my many lawyers, sorry

[Owen, @OCeezus]

A REGULAR PERSON: Excuse me sir, could you...

ME: Sorry, I’m a very serious business man with some very serious business to do, so *pulls out two cell phones and holds one to each ear* if you wouldn’t mind shutting the fuck up? Thanks.

[wint @dril]

playing the worlds most normal sized violin

[Owen, @OCeezus]

Every time you think about sex stuff, you literally stab Jesus to death. But that’s what you like, huh. Murdering Jesus. Think about that next time you wanna be a “horn dog”

[Owen, @OCeezus]

One time I was gonna look up boobs on the internet but then I realized it would never fill the hole in my heart that I got from losing my copy of MVP Baseball 2005

[Holly Otterbein @hollyotterbein]

This fan-made video about Bernie Sanders has racked up 1.7 million views on Twitter. https://t.co/HS5uZcvY7R

[Garance Franke-Ruta @thegarance]

The FBI investigation was hamstrung by GOP senators, who then used the lack of findings to push the nomination through

[Owen, @OCeezus]

@oaccardi This would fail to demonstrate my supreme inner disposition

[Owen, @OCeezus]

My pro tip for making your bed in the morning is to minimize how much you mess it up overnight. I have trained my body to rest with absolute serenity. Making my bed requires a simple flip of the sheet.

[Owen, @OCeezus]

If we define a “fart” as the sudden rush of gas from one’s rectum, then I have not “farted” in years. Gas emits from my rectum in a steady, perpetual flow. There is no single moment that can be defined as a “fart.”