odat

''It's an empty journey to triumph if you don't plant the seeds of catastrophe along the way.''

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The rhythm hunts. The rhythm stalks you relentlessly through the sweltering Miami night. You hide, but you know it's only a matter of time.

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I mean every person. The stream of athleisure models. The lesbian couple taking photographs. The gaggle of moms with their kids. Every dog owner! Just a non-stop babe parade! And me looking like I'm heading for an audition, description: "Unkempt, sweaty man. Unfashionable."

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Me, getting ready to leave yesterday: Eh, I'll just wear this loose old t-shirt and shorts and have my hair a muss. It's a hike, who would see?

[smash cut to: Every. single. person. I pass on the trails is PREPOSTEROUSLY attractive. And me, a sweaty goblin.]

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Ok there was more to this tweet but really just: fuck.

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fuck.

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"You got them haunted grandpa bones."

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It was my birthday yesterday, and this exchange was truly all the gift I needed.

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@atetheSandwich Oh no! I've lost the crown!

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Or maybe Eau Fortuna? Depends on my whole celebrity vibe, I guess.

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If I ever get famous enough to have a signature perfume, it's definitely going to be called Eau No.

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Upon reviewing my timeline, two observations: 1) it's been a WHILE since I posted on here (all the good tweet thoughts evaporate before I manage to write them down), and 2) wow, a LOT of Beowulf tweets.

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Beowulf: the boast-est with the most-est.

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@dry_hugs That was one of the worst/best/what-est Trash Night movies I think you've ever shown and it was incredible.

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@radbrain Ah! Carly! Happy Birthday!

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@meyerweb Or! There's only one typo, and they're offering Beowulf-themed garage stuff, but it's a secret for the screen-reader crowd. A deal that's truly Geat.

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(I refuse to use the subjunctive, because that dog is actually going to inherit that bean money.)

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Sometimes I wish I was heir to a vast baked bean fortune, like that dog.

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I have heard not one, but TWO separate instances of Saves the Day in the wild today! It's 2000 again out here.

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Wow. 13 years on this hell site. Dang. I mean, when I joined Twitter, George "The W stands for war crimes" Bush was still president. That's... huh.

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@Catshealdeprsn Source your pics. I think this one is: https://t.co/E8w9Qtma71

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@ryanqnorth I'm feeling positive, myself. I'm half way done!