of_wolves

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

…your being and mine, fingers intertwined, watching the sky drift lazily down over hot mugs of luxury as we spend the minutes passing on something quiet, renewing and sweet, behind the curtains of the stage we parade in our few hours under the sun.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

The snow sticks to the trees outside my window today. It’s so surreal. I’ve been missing you so much but our last conversation, my last plea for connection, sits unread in your box.
It’s okay, in the grand scheme.
I was too much for you, but also not enough.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

It’s okay, the universe says,
we are just small fruiting bodies of itself talking to each other of love. Love as the greatest Shroedinger’s cat of all, and we are here to define (divine) whether it even exists at all.
Yet, I still wish you were here, us as small temporary beings,

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

So I must remind myself that I am still whole for me; our bond lives on through my connection to the stars, sunsets, snow, & all the flowers either one of us will ever pluck or nurture.
The foundation of our house never set and you were too afraid of sinking, maybe, to repour.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

The Wolf Moon is hungry. Let her feed on me so I may finally rest. Do not wake me until the daffodils are blooming + the bees have moved their hive outside + beyond my mind, my chest. Let me languish in the dark mud awhile where behind my eyes at least I can still be with you.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

The snow is really coming down again, creating depth to a world of gray, like you used to. I wish we were in the woods, in your van, cuddled up in a blanket fort, drawing pictures in the steam from our breath on each other’s skin. Catching secrets on the breeze, rewriting hearts.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

My inside is a vessel of echos, a kintsugi heart awaiting another bead of gold I do not yet have, a shatter of ice on a frozen lake reflecting the archive of life stories we’ll now never live that now only serve to entertain the stars. Hamal, where were you.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

I pray for time to slow, slower, so I never forget the way your gaze felt when you were smiling at me. The way you soothed my body when it panicked. The way your lips were electric. The way my heart felt when you held it. The way you shared with me your dreams and tender fears.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

I miss you exquisitely in these moments. Also messily, ugly, mascara streaks from last night when I tried to sleep. I dreamt of you again. What will make it stop? No amount of closure can create goodbye inside. The snow is cold on my face. I pray for time to pass fast. Faster.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

I miss who we got to be together, when we were first learning to be.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

The late afternoon winter sunlight is reflecting off the snow capped mountains in the east and it is absolutely stunning. I wish we could drop everything and drive toward it to get a closer look.

I wish I could tell you.

I’ll go inside for my groceries now.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

When you choose someone who does not choose you, you are also not choosing yourself.

Remember that.

Your inner self will be constantly trying to find a way for you to choose self-love.

This will create conflict in your relationships and dissonance in yourself.

#chooseselflove

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

Also, my spiced hot chocolate is angry and giving me hell.

Like my distracted brain is adding on more punishment as if it’s my fault you’re not here.

Even when you were here, you were actually still somewhere else.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

Gods, I miss you.
I miss your playful spirit and your nurturing touch and how quickly that turns into absent-mindedly petting me like a cat when you get excited about a topic.
I miss the creative ideas of adventure I now have to shut down.
I miss waking up in your arms.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

I made a big batch of black beans in the crock pot last night. They’re not very good yet but I think you would’ve liked them anyway.

I didn’t think 2lbs of dry beans would expand that much. Thankfully the pot is big enough.

I know once I get the spices right you’d love them.

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

#heartbroken #mareimbrium #lamaera #grief #breadcrumbs #ifimustsaygoodbye #poem #bootstrappoetry #loveisafool #lifeisillusion

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

Though I have touched your lips
maybe for the last time
A heavy chain around my collar
in the shape of your touch
what was, what seemed to be
still lays next to me

Your absence is the air I cannot breathe

[of_wolves @of__wolves]

Your absence is the air I cannot breathe
So I will carry you, instead
a dagger close, pearls of jade,
A cracked bell offering,
and under every moon
I will cast You into
each of the seas in Me.