Vincent Cacklemore

Lonely wanderer. Pretend adult. Pauper.

[Vincent Cacklemore @ohthatbadger]

*showering when spider rolls down*
Me: Ugh, outta here perv!
Spider: Hey you lose some weight?
M: *bashful smile* Maybe a cpl lbs.
S: Ayy! 😉

[MykeIsNotHere @MykeLeTauris]

Waiter tried to take the rest of my $20 burrito til I shot him a deadly glance that only a woman overriding her Xanax can give.

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

Please don't jump to any conclusions and assume I ate all the cake myself. Yes, yes, all right, nobody came..I mean to our knowledge

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won't take you by surprise.

[Daz? @HomeProbably]

I only tweet to remind myself of the utter pointlessness of it all.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Irony is out. Wholesome is in. Have some 2% milk and 100% work ethic.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

We only get maybe 70 years on this planet and the first 15 and last 5 really suck so just do whatever you want

[Seamus O'flaugherty @seamussaid]

what I really need is about 2ml of ketamine in my vein and about 40 minutes of ego death to figure this all out

[MykeIsNotHere @MykeLeTauris]

Nurse (in hazmat suit bc I’d traveled abroad) going over my meds: Norco, as needed or daily?
Me: as needed
Nurse: Alcohol, as ne-
Me: As needed daily

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

If you saw me at the supermarket flirting with the chocolates before I go buy rice, no you didn't

[Vincent Cacklemore @ohthatbadger]

I see the same person catching up to the bus along the way, so either we're moving really slowly or I got that It Follows curse.

[Vincent Cacklemore @ohthatbadger]

Oh what, whichever of you thinks she can pass for Mina Tindle? #IConfess I don't buy it.

[Seamus O'flaugherty @seamussaid]

waffle house shift change gossip is better than anything on netflix

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

I'm telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that's no good for your hands or the cat.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

A clean, damp cloth will fix anything. You can quote me on that.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

[I'm looking at my canine teeth] Spot is the more savage-looking, but Fido is still the alpha.

[Marly @VerbsRProudest]

Me: I thought they called a meeting to give me WORSE news so I was scared but it was just to repeat the bad news they already broke to me on the phone on Monday. So. I’m wrung out. Exhausted.

F: So. Good. But bad. But good. But bad.

M: Stop see-sawing words. It hurts my brain.

[Seamus O'flaugherty @seamussaid]

(dad voice) how can you be mad at me I just brought home food

[Seamus O'flaugherty @seamussaid]

I've kept more full moon promises than I've broken
but it's the broken ones that haunt me