Olivia Witt

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I bet HBO told Nathan Fielder that they wanted a pilot out of him, and his Amelia Bedelia ass was like alright

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

“This is my body, and this my blood, and this is Malört” -Leo XIV

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I used to constantly have those showing-up-naked-to-the-final-exam dreams, and that’s exactly why I won’t do any hardcore drugs. I’ve seen what happens when my brain takes the reins and it is not fun!

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I signed up for CrossFit and accidentally got the trainer meant for postpartum women. So we do a warmup squat and he’s now talking about healing my pelvic floor, and I’m like okay that squat ruined me I guess

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Upset that Khloe Kardashian went into popcorn and not web hosting … imagine uploading thirst traps to the Khloud

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

It sucks that all these football players have to go to war :/

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I have a new favorite of the unhinged recipes that are on the subway: the Sweet Potato Waffle. Like what New Yorker has a waffle iron in their apartment?!

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Celebrating Palm Sunday by posting the “Hosanna in the Highest 🚬” a week earlier than the 4/20 Easter crowd

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

When TurboTax asks “Are you disabled?” it seems like it’s insulting me based on how I’ve been answering

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

*me justifying having another beer* I’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, I know the only way to defeat the Nazis is to be a hot, dark-haired woman who can outdrink any man

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Adding an Atlantic editor to my groupchat because honey, I’m bombing!

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I have killer tits 👙

(breast cancer runs in my family)

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

@sheetz Wawa would never give me this sass, Sheetz!

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Sheetz is currently advertising their “handmade drinks!” Call me crazy, but I’m actually fine with my beverage not being made by hands that work at a gas station

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Hell yeah I’m splitting the G

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Open mic’rs love to be like “haha you know how we all hate this and wish we were dead, right?” Like honey, a group of white men are going to let me speak for 4 uninterrupted minutes. My life rules! 😎

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

We should’ve all seen this coming: Milchik is going to engage in some antidisestablishmentarianism

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Severance has helped me understand the whole “three persons one god” thing way better than a decade of Catholic school did

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

Been in NY for a year! Still can’t even take a stab at pronouncing Kosciuszko 🏙️💕

[Olivia Witt @ojwitt]

I thought I was being followed on the subway when the same man was in the same car as me after a transfer. My first thought? “Oh thank God, I really need more people at this comedy show”