Justin Benson

Eat like a fish, drink like a whale

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

Listening to 19 year olds make Halloween plans makes me feel not a day younger than 92

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

Nothing like playing fetch in the park and my dog stumbling on a shirtless guy in oakleys getting a blow job behind a tree.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

I just witnessed a woman eat a burrito like corn on the cob. All is right in the world.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@lcherkewick No one younger than 80 years old puts HP sauce on anything so I think the age limit on your tinder profile needs some fine tuning.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@Thecraigiest Super point

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

Big shout out to everyone double cupping their large lattes on earth day

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@McDonalds that “gonna do it do it” jingle commercial is hands down the biggest piece of shit I have ever witnessed. Picture how delicious a jr. chicken is, that commercial is the exact opposite. Please remove it from the airwaves and fire the marketing team that came up with it.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@lcherkewick I’m not an expert but my expert opinion is YES

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@lcherkewick I got this notification at 9:23am not 9:23pm. So I was thinking if you were eating kraft dinner soup now you’d have bigger problems than too much milk.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

If someone starts a conversation with “I’m not trying to be a bother but...” chances are they’re about to be a huge fucking bother.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@nike guess I’ll pay 14x retail from stockx to get this shoe since you can’t get your shit together. GREAT job, good way to maintain brand loyalty

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@Nike so whack. I tried to get the ACG dog mountain. Refreshed 300000 million times and got errors from your site. I’m literally trying to purchase a product from you. Why are you making this so hard. So unimpressed.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

If you’re on death row and garlic butter from Old Spaghetti Factory isn’t part of your last meal- the world is better off without you.

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@AmericanAir you cancelled my flight from ny to Toronto, and now I am stuck in New York with no compensation and no place to stay

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@relicdrinks the year is young. 1K is just around the corner

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

Also back on this biiiiiitch. Holler at ya boi

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

Shout out my Uber driver who instead of offering mints has dead flies & fries

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@RyanTuckerYEG I'll hit you up when they do!

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

@mike_angus don't know...what I DO know is under boob tattoos are the new tramp stamp

[Justin Benson @oldirtybenson]

I can't tell if the guy driving behind me is vaping or he's eating a pillowy soft mountain of cotton candy