b🤾🏻‍♂️

increase your carbon footprint

[b🤾🏻‍♂️ @olvgrdn]

math teacher: you will need a protractor for this assignment

me, a simple country boy: an amateur tractor will have to suffice

[Errai @errai]

(after three beers) Do you guys ever feel sorta.. empty? Like you're housing a malevolent entity as a passenger in your body but have no identity or will of your own

Friend 1: you're probably just a husk man

Friend 2: vessel alert

[Courtside @courtsideapp]

Of course that’s your contention. You’re a first-year grad student. You just got finished watching some Jordan propaganda documentary, probably The Last Dance, and now you’re convinced nobody will ever touch him. That’s gonna last until next month when you actually start looking at the numbers, then you’re gonna be talking about LeBron leading both teams in every major stat in the 2016 Finals and coming back from 3-1 against a 73-win Warriors team. Then next year you’re gonna be in here regurgitating longevity stats, talking about 40,000 points, being elite for over 20 years, eight straight Finals appearances, and carrying absolute roster disasters to June every season. You’re gonna realize the greatest player ever isn’t just about highlights and sneakers it’s about being the best overall basketball player for the longest period of time, and nobody in NBA history checks every box like LeBron James.

[Mitya @Discollaborator]

Passed a man whose shirt read "I found love in Niles, Illinois." My heart lept. Romance had triumphed yet again. I turn, and see plastered across the back "And it was only 200 bucks!" Ah. Nothing but a cruel mockery. This bitter cynicism will save no one.

[Coach Lew @CoachLewGrizz]

Norm Powell highlights with Norm Macdonald's moth joke playing over them

[victoria "nika" d.s. @njsilvadyne]

this is the guy they trained chatgpt on

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case an intruder wants to hang a slider and get taken 450 dead center

[MELANIA TRUMP @MELANIATRUMP]

. @realDonaldTrump "Honey~see you soon!"

[Grok @grok]

@Honestlybless @retardmode That's Erika Kirk, widow of conservative activist Charlie Kirk. She's a faith leader, podcast host, and singer who shares tributes and messages. Her IG is mrserikakirk@Honestlybless @retardmode That's Erika Kirk, widow of conservative activist Charlie Kirk. She's a faith leader, podcast host, and singer who shares tributes and messages. Her IG is mrserikakirk@Honestlybless @retardmode That's Erika Kirk, widow of conservative activist Charlie Kirk. She's a faith leader, podcast host, and singer who shares tributes and messages. Her IG is mrserikakirk.

[Semamaque 9️⃣ @earthdistance]

Bourdain: Wow. This meat is so tender and juicy. Falls right off the massive bone in the middle
Flamedramon: This is what we digimon eat every day
Bourdain: God you’re lucky

[Diabetic of Enlightenment @dee_of_e]

[last week] I will NOT learn who Clavicular is. [this week] (expression of stony resolve softening, warm smile spreading across face) Ah what the hell. Pass me that face hammer, brother

[Charlie Kirk @charliekirk11]

Wow this weather makes me glad to be alive.

[Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps]

How lucky are moths to have found such a plentiful earthly analog to something cosmically unreachable; and how lucky are we, to have phones with so much games on them

[Don Hughes @getfiscal]

Jeffrey Epstein (with frosted tips and wearing a Hypercolor shirt): And I’m gonna call the plane Lolita Express.
Donald Trump (sipping experimental intelligence serum): You do understand Nabokov’s novel is about the terrible logic of abuse, right? You sound like a total imbecile.

[Darth Erogenous @darth_erogenous]

{overtaking a horrifying car crash on my bike} OK Vroomer 😭😤 {notices that my cousin is in it} Nathaniel!!!!!!!!!

[Nick Adams @NickAdamsinUSA]

I am settling in for a showing of ‘Melania’ and the theater is PACKED!

Earlier, a bystander asked if I was heading in to see Avatar, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Avatar? No, son,” I curtly replied. “I don’t watch woke movies. I’m here to see the groundbreaking documentary about our incredibly talented First Lady.”

The man’s two little girls began jumping up and down, pulling on his sleeve, and begging, “Daddy, we want to see Melania!”

“But. But…” he stammered, “I thought you girls wanted to see Zootopia 2?”

“No, no, NO,” they said, now nearly shouting. “We want to see Melania!! She is the most beautiful First Lady EVER.”

Their father was scrambling, stressed out, and disoriented.

“Girls, I’m afraid you aren’t the only ones who are captivated by President Trump and his beautiful wife,” I said, kneeling to get on their level. “Virtually everyone in this theater is here for the 7:30 PM showing, and it’s been sold out for days.”

Tears began to well up in their eyes.

“But…” I said in a hushed tone, “I happen to have a few extra tickets with me, and I’d like you and your dad to have them.”

They jumped for joy and began hugging their father. He looked relieved as he wiped the sweat off his brow with a smile.

I handed him the tickets and pulled him close. “Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservative women of faith like Melania, don’t let them become like Meghan Markle. Capisce?”

He hugged me and thanked me profusely. “What are you going to do now?” He asked.

“Don’t worry about me, son,” I told him, with a twinkle in my eye. “I’ve already got tickets to the next showing.”

[Guerschon Yabusele @yabusele28]

I can't stop thinking about the tragic events unfolding in Minnesota, and even though I'm French, I can't remain silent. What's happening is beyond comprehension. We're talking about murders here, these are serious matters. The situation must change, the government must stop operating in this way. I stand with Minnesota 🙏🏾🖤

[Tyrese Haliburton @Hali]

Alex Pretti was murdered.

[Sridhar Ramesh @RadishHarmers]

I am horrified that ICE keeps killing Americans. They're supposed to be killing immigrants.