OMG One Liners

Tweeting sick, stupid & pointless sh!t as often as I can! You best be following me mofo!

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died? Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

I want to ask you out but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And..

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

You're more special than relativity.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular why is it still number 2?

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Cancer cures smoking.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

[OMG One Liners @omg_oneliners]

What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.