Dan

Mayonnaise is my kryptonite

[Dan @onlydanno]

Facebook is where you lie to people you know. Twitter is where you're honest to strangers.

[Darren Gough MBE @DGoughie]

Over prepared my arse 🧐🏏
#TheAshes2025

[Dan @onlydanno]

@DreyfusJames I was quickly overwhelmed by the self-righteous smugness and desperate virtue signalling of the bluesky crowd. Uninstalled. Would rather live in the real world.

[Dan @onlydanno]

@prodnose Abandoned BBC for Eurosport's more realistic and snarky commentary. Way better.

[Dan @onlydanno]

The @eurosport commentary on #Paris2024 #OpeningCeremony had just the right amount of respect, humour, snark and reverence, spread over 4 bizarre hours.

Really good job
@CWhitakerSport @andNickMullins

Sticking with @eurosport for the duration now

[Dan @onlydanno]

The umbrella holding guy goes top of my Olympic podium. Holding it for that long - what a hero. Give the man a gold now. #OpeningCeremony #Paris2024

[Dan @onlydanno]

Worst episode of It's A Knockout I've ever seen.

#OpeningCeremony #Paris2024

[Dan @onlydanno]

Hi @Spotify, @TIDAL etc. If you could make your apps detect when I turn up the volume on a track and then auto-add it to a 'Play It Loud' playlist, I'd be grateful. Many thanks.

[Dan @onlydanno]

Dog insurance should cover lost balls.

#costingmeafortune

[Dan @onlydanno]

If a bear shits in the woods, when no-one else is around, do I still have to whip out a poo bag and clean it up?

[Ricky Gervais @rickygervais]

If you’re feeling vulnerable tonight, remember, there are no such things as ghouls & ghosts, & zombies & vampires. LOL
There are of course murderers & deviants & drugged up mental cases & dirty little feral teenagers who stab you and stick it on TikTok .
Happy Halloween 🎃

[Dan @onlydanno]

Can we normalise everyone having a @Spotify playlist called "My Funeral" so that our final moments aren't accompanied by some God-awful song we liked when we were 14, which our family has chosen ? #death #funeral #planningahead #notthatshit

[Dan @onlydanno]

@tinnie31 is there a reason you haven't jumped on the Threads bandwagon yet? It's currently like Twitter circa 2012. The glory days. Join me : https://t.co/B2dozDZmXH

[ZUBY: @ZubyMusic]

A day will come when a massive personal tragedy will strike you. In fact, you are guaranteed several of these during your lifetime.

Until that time comes, it's stupid to not be happy.

[marty soote @mmsootte]

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

[Dan @onlydanno]

This Lionel Ritchie tribute act is ropey as fuck #CoronationConcert

[Dan @onlydanno]

Everyone talks about trick or treaters disturbing people in their homes yet never mention fucking political candidates and councillors, or their lackies, sticking shit through my door endlessly and knocking at all hours.

Fuck the fuck off. I'm not interested and never will be.

[Ricky Gervais @rickygervais]

This is me pondering whether they'll change any of the words I've used in my work after I'm dead, to spare those who are fragile and easily offended. Words like 'fat' and 'ugly'. And 'cunt' and 'fuck'. And 'fat, ugly, greedy, pathetic little stupid fucking cunt'. Stuff like that.

[Dan @onlydanno]

I'm going to bring you to a 17th century cathedral to start a task about designing a kids lunchbox. Sorry what ?

#bbcapprentice #apprentice @bbcapprentice #TheApprentice

[Dan @onlydanno]

SPOILER: In the 2023 Anniversary release of Titanic, due to global warming, the iceberg has melted and everyone reaches New York safely. Leo still shags Kate.

#Titanic25thAnniversary #moviespoilers

[Dan @onlydanno]

I hate them all #TheApprentice