Kevin Seibert

Stand-up comedian. Genius billionaire playboy misanthropist. Top 5% Duolingo, still can’t speak French.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

I’m not an introvert. You all made me like this.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Elon Musk always looks like he’s trying to see how many earwigs he can fit inside his urethra and we all know he only likes to see numbers go up.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

RFK Jr uses his own tapeworms as a noose during autoerotic asphyxiation. Tapeworms break apart easily, so they make horrible nooses, which explains why he is still alive.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

@RandPaul Proof that none of you whiny little shits knows what communism actually is.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

@tedcruz Take your stupid beard and go to Cancun. You are the personification of balanitis in a cheap suit.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

@LindseyGrahamSC 78 degrees isn’t even hot. Toughen up, cupcake.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

So do ducks have corkscrew tongues too or are they just assholes who never practice duckunnilingus?

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Weird that the secret society is called Dialog when none of these dipshits are exactly known for being good at speaking with people.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

The closest Trump will ever get to legitimately earning the Nobel Peace Prize is “having no beef,” and even that’s just because of the screwworm resurgence.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

So Elon’s a trillionaire. He could share the wealth, but he won’t because his entire worldview is keta-mine, not keta-ours.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Hey, @McDonalds ! Want to save the world and the American working class at the same time? Make it corporate policy that no more McDonald’s goes to the White House until the war in Iran is over, and guarantee it will be by dinner time.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Trump retreated from the Meet the Press interview and watching him there, it makes sense now that he can’t close any kind of deal in Iran. Also, when he got up, he moved like he shat his pants.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

@kwelkernbc @NBCNews @MeetThePress You did a great job showing everyone what a lying coward he really is!

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

To address rising temperatures and electricity costs caused by data centers: Instead of running costly air conditioning, the people we elected are encouraging the non-billionaire class to listen to audio of nails on a chalkboard as a cheap way to have goosebumps all summer long.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

On the rare occasion Rob Schneider announces a gig, he’s making a bomb threat.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Every time someone does hard drugs, they’re taking a gamble: Fentanyl or fentanothing.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

Of all the bizarre bookings for Freedom 250, Milli Vanilli makes the most sense because Trump sees kindred spirits in them: Frauds, fakes, charlatans, disgraced con artists. If Milli Vanilli also diddled kids, it’d be a perfect match.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

When you use AI to write, Liberty Mutual commercials are what you get.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

If you don’t know what that is, do yourself a favor and don’t look it up. Unless you’re MAGA, then do an image search.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

My favorite insult I coined is, “balanitis in people clothes.” I most commonly used it on a certain current president’s oldest son before he chickened out and stopped letting just anyone comment on his Instagram.

[Kevin Seibert @onlyonecalorie]

The biggest obstacle to Doug “Dougie Masturbator” Mastriano’s ambassador nomination isn’t the Senate hearing, but whether he can make it the whole way through that without taking a break to pull on it. He doesn’t want to get red white and blue balls.