Sensei⛩

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

bumped into a guy from school at bar who now works at the president's office & when he asked“what are you upto?” I said“just getting a beer”

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

You know that moment when you connect with someone and you feel alive? Avoid it. That's how love starts and i don't recommend it.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Twitter, because i owe people on Facebook money.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Unconditional love exists only when the conditions are met.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Where in our relationship does it say we have to share a plate of fries? I swear to God I'll stab you with a fork.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Whoever stole my shoes while I was on that bouncy castle needs to grow up.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

She's not slow at texting, she's probably texting other guys who are more established in life than you. So be patient and wait for your turn

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Is there any record of what people ate before Instagram?

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

bumped into a guy from school at bar who now works at the president's office & when he asked“what are you upto?” I said“just getting a beer”

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

If you wake up in the morning & yesterday's pants still have the belt in them, they automatically become today's pants. That's undebatable.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Whenever I see a thin person jogging I feel like hugging, tightly holding him/her and whisper... it's ok, you're not fat. Calm down.. GOD!!!

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Guys, you're not allowed to tell a woman who's mad at you to calm down. That's not how they're wired. You're probably opening a can of bees.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

I just want to thank everyone from the university, i saw in public this year who silently agreed to pretend we didn't notice one another.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Burglars are probably the only people that take everything personal without taking anything personal. It's just business

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

"Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?" - First dates

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

It's important to have two opinions in a relationship: Her opinion, and my opinion the one she ignores.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

2024 what a year! If you don't wish me a happy birthday today. I'll take it that we're not the fake internet friends I thought we were.

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

Trevor Noah...on how Christianity works: "If you’re Native American and you pray to the wolves, you’re a savage. If you’re African and you pray to your ancestors, you’re a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that’s just common sense."

[Sensei⛩ @onume_]

My 2 cents on street preachers...I personally think a small number of individuals wake up really early in the morning & station themselves at busy intersections & crowded places just to scream & shout threats at people going about their business talmbout how they're going to hell