tyler

just happy to be here

[tyler @ookens]

Walking into a bar, clearly shithoused, one arm around AOC, other arm around Doris Burke. We're all coked out. Drunk. Heading to Leo's penthouse. I wake up, the simulation failed, I try again

[tyler @ookens]

Here at Waffle House, there’s an almost unlimited amount of ways to customize your hashbrowns! Just tell your server you’d like them scattered, smothered, chunked, covered, topped, bottomed, sucked, fucked, or creamed for a truly unique breakfast!

[Polymarket @Polymarket]

8% chance aliens are declassified by the end of the year. https://t.co/GaXeESGqBO

[tyler @ookens]

They should make a sparkling water that’s got 180g of protein, 900mg of caffeine, and is 20% abv. Drinking one kills you in an hour by shutting your kidneys down but for about 55 minutes or so you’ll be able to communicate with animals and phase through walls

[tyler @ookens]

A few dudes on the Mexican side of my family are foaming at the mouth and barking at the screen rn

[Ovrnundr @Ovrnundr]

Nike introduces the Square Toe Air Force 1 🤠

📹 undiscovered.ig

[tyler @ookens]

My room is the G-spot

Call me Mr. Squidward

I can make your SpongeBob!!!!

[Nick @DETNick_]

The Detroit Tigers win another series in June!!

#DNMW

[tyler @ookens]

Overheard the ol lady talkin about how she doesn’t want to rush things and let me move in yet like girl you KNOW IM ALREADY LIVIN IN THE CRAWLSPACE!! 🤣 I’m just a tiny lil guy I’m in the walls you KNOW I thrive in nooks and crannies!! 🫣

[tyler @ookens]

The only feeling worse than being cheated on is when you crack open a pistachio or a sunflower seed and there’s nothing inside 💔

[tyler @ookens]

One of the most emasculating feelings is when you sit down to get your haircut and they use the foot pump thing to raise the chair up and your lil legs are free swingin to and fro. Just throw a sailor outfit on me and give me a big lollipop while you’re at it

[tyler @ookens]

Hitting for 80 dollars on a slot machine and immediately renting a limo for 5 minutes. Hauling ass down the strip, soft penis flappin out the sunroof like one of those tiny American flags they put on the president’s motorcade. Everyone’s booing and throwing shit at me

[josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99]

The story of Icarus provides us with a valuable lesson: never fuck up real bad

[tyler @ookens]

Heard someone pronounce “calling 9-1-1” as “calling ninety-one one” and it short circuited my brain. Stopped me in my tracks and completely removed me from the simulation. I saw the face of God and it was weeping

[tyler @ookens]

Card got declined after an enema and now the proctologist is putting all the turds back in my ass???????

[tyler @ookens]

BANK ROLLS ON THE TABLE. WATCHING LOCAL CABLE.

[XXL Magazine @XXL]

🗣️ FENIX FLEXIN

🔊 “RUBBERZ”

🚨 OUT NOW

[tyler @ookens]

Wanna sound smart in front of people but I can only read at like a 7th grade level so I end up saying shit like “ah, yes, the service was fantastic, and please do inform the chef that I found the beef wellington to be positively… rambunctious”

[tyler @ookens]

Objectively very funny. Imagine urgently reading this headline over the intercom at a nursing home and watching all hell break loose

[NEXTA @nexta_tv]

A Chinese robot wearing a clown wig kicked a child in the stomach.

[HowlingDisneyAdult @Paynuspain]

You used to be able to get the Jack in the Box foam head to put on your car antenna. That’s another thing they took from us.

[tyler @ookens]

No matter how powerful and sentient AI becomes I know it could never replace my job at the dick sucking factory