Walking into a bar, clearly shithoused, one arm around AOC, other arm around Doris Burke. We're all coked out. Drunk. Heading to Leo's penthouse. I wake up, the simulation failed, I try again
Here at Waffle House, there’s an almost unlimited amount of ways to customize your hashbrowns! Just tell your server you’d like them scattered, smothered, chunked, covered, topped, bottomed, sucked, fucked, or creamed for a truly unique breakfast!
They should make a sparkling water that’s got 180g of protein, 900mg of caffeine, and is 20% abv. Drinking one kills you in an hour by shutting your kidneys down but for about 55 minutes or so you’ll be able to communicate with animals and phase through walls
Overheard the ol lady talkin about how she doesn’t want to rush things and let me move in yet like girl you KNOW IM ALREADY LIVIN IN THE CRAWLSPACE!! 🤣 I’m just a tiny lil guy I’m in the walls you KNOW I thrive in nooks and crannies!! 🫣
One of the most emasculating feelings is when you sit down to get your haircut and they use the foot pump thing to raise the chair up and your lil legs are free swingin to and fro. Just throw a sailor outfit on me and give me a big lollipop while you’re at it
Hitting for 80 dollars on a slot machine and immediately renting a limo for 5 minutes. Hauling ass down the strip, soft penis flappin out the sunroof like one of those tiny American flags they put on the president’s motorcade. Everyone’s booing and throwing shit at me
Heard someone pronounce “calling 9-1-1” as “calling ninety-one one” and it short circuited my brain. Stopped me in my tracks and completely removed me from the simulation. I saw the face of God and it was weeping
Wanna sound smart in front of people but I can only read at like a 7th grade level so I end up saying shit like “ah, yes, the service was fantastic, and please do inform the chef that I found the beef wellington to be positively… rambunctious”