A realist

Do my best to see things for what they really are 🙏🏿❤️

[syd @syd_dnae]

Ok shit is too weird. Thunder, rain but still hot & humid in LA???

[A realist @orange_dior]

Just wanna be done with this stupid pointless life and waist of a soul

[A realist @orange_dior]

I wish i had a fuckin pistol to put in my mouth

[A realist @orange_dior]

Like i said no friends

[A realist @orange_dior]

Not close with any other family

[A realist @orange_dior]

I COULD go back to my grandparents house but i really dont think thatd be beneficial to my mental

[A realist @orange_dior]

Im stuck living here with my ex (yes ex now) bc im literally broke

[A realist @orange_dior]

Like wtf am i supposed to do at this point

[A realist @orange_dior]

Omg i could go on and fuckin on

[A realist @orange_dior]

So now that ive gain 60 ish lbs since ive moved out i hate even going over there bc i just KNOW theyre gunna say stuff abt how i look when i leave and im gunna see the disgust in their eyes when im sitting in front of them

[A realist @orange_dior]

Depression that was in large part due to family trauma that was caused by him!

[A realist @orange_dior]

Or “hasnt anyone told you how big your getting” and when he said that i broke down. And ofc as soon as a tear fell he was like “oh i thought i was talking to an adult” I broke down bc i knew i was gaining weight and it was due to deep deep depression and lack of self confidence

[A realist @orange_dior]

And ive slowly gained 100 lbs since 2017, so in the two yrs before covid (before i left) i started getting “fat” (i was probably 180/190) my grandfather would say things like “thats why yo driver side tire is flat bc your weighing it down over there”

[A realist @orange_dior]

They laughed hysterically at her the entire performance, i mean top of their lungs cackling, spit out your drink, laughter at the audacity of her fatass to have that outfit on and shake her ass. Like they really hate fat people

[A realist @orange_dior]

And mind you my grandparents are fatphobic (if thats the right word) they would sit around and say terrible things about our cousins and aunts for being fat and tell me not to tell anyone when they would say. I remember when lizzo performed at this award show…

[A realist @orange_dior]

They arent easy to talk to and weve never spoken about any of the drama and bad things that took place for years while i was there. And i get emotional even trying to talk abt it but my grandfather sees emotion and tears as childish so idk how thats gunna work

[A realist @orange_dior]

And through the years since i moved out, communicaton with my grandparents was very slim (not as if we talked much when i lived there) but now its super awkward for me to go back there even to visit bc i have nothing to say

[A realist @orange_dior]

But i stayed here through soooooo much toxic relationship bs hoping it would get better but being with him and his fam only fueled my depression

[A realist @orange_dior]

Moved out of my grandparents (who raised me but it was toxic and i felt like i didnt belong there) home during the covid lockdown to move in with my bf and his fam and that became permanent…just for me to shortly feel like i dont belong here either

[A realist @orange_dior]

hidradenitis suppurativa!!! Dont know what that is? Google it! Its the worst shit tht can happen to your armpits. And i have that too! When i tried to cure it i couldnt bc the pills made me vomit literally within 10 mins after taking them!