Andrew Markle

Most of the time I tell jokes & act & stuff. I’m a comic that happens to be gay, straight people like me because “that’s not all I talk about”. 🏳️‍🌈🤟🏻

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Happy (don’t read the comments on any company post about) Pride month! 🏳️‍🌈

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

@netflix you can send my refund to the same card used to pay for my subscription. Why did we raise prices again? #loveisblind

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Pink is just gay red.

[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC]

I will explain this to you slowly: exercising our right to protest is not obstruction of Congress nor an attempt to overturn democracy.

If one were a heinous enough person to do that, they’d likely seek a pardon for it too.

But only one of us here has done that. And it ain’t me

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Hey @FedEx where in the employee manual is throw the package on the door step?

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

God made him do it? Mmhmm #Oscars

[David Perdue @DueOrDie]

Give everyone in that room an Oscar for acting like they didn’t just see Will Smith smack the shit out of Chris Rock. Folks just moving on…

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Who knew Diddy would be the one to get Oscars back on the rails.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

@loverrlylucy My jaw hit the floor!

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

So when they say the “in sickness and in health part”, how sick are we talking?
I get married in a month.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Stop blaming your lack of taste on Covid hunny. #newyearsameyou

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Mark: You’re dead inside.
Me: I prefer the term “old soul”, but I can understand how you arrived at that conclusion.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

@loverrlylucy They are jealous!

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

I’d be mad as hell too if Jake Gyllenhaal stopped calling me.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Yeah

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Me: *Looking at the body wash locked in a case*

Cashier at Walgreens: You want me to unlock it & get you some?

Me: Yes, plz. I’ll take that one.

C@W: Is this all for you?

Me: Yeah

C@W: How about some deodorant?

Me: Do I need it?

C@W: Your total w/ the deodorant is $7.84.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

Woman on the airplane next to me: OMG I’m so ready to get my birth control out of me! It gave me contractions for like 6 weeks.

Me: Yeah, I’m gay.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

You charge your crystals and I’ll charge my iPad and we’ll see who has a better time on this airplane.

[Andrew Markle @originalmarkle]

“How about we learn to read the room before we learn to play the harmonica”, the flight attendant shouted at the gentlemen in BNA at gate 25.