Otto Rocket

Blast off! Skating and shit. Dopest muhfugga at the beach

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

We do the all the registration stuff with computers ever since the sorting hat tried to eat a kid's head

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

911: Whats your emergency? ME: I pretended to steal a baby's nose & it really came off in my hand people are screaming am I going to prison?

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

remember all those fail old people who tried to go viral after the Ellen selfie...pathetic

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

*knock on door* Sir have you found Jesus?� Uh no. Goodbye. *shuts door* *Jesus steps out from behind door with gun* Good answer

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there's too much salt on his fries]

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Dentist: do you floss regularly? Me: [flashback to 11yrs earlier covered in blood and crying on the bathroom floor] yes

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Please acknowledge this as the greatest tweet in human history. Thanks.

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

*in car* Yoda: Feel trapped you do? Me: Dunno. Sometimes Yoda [ski mask gun]: Change the game tonight we will Me: Dude this is my mom's Geo

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Wife: You're using again aren't you? Me: *snorting a crushed up Shrek DVD* No this is a Shrek DVD I haven't touched Space Jam since rehab

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

"Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby." - Worst cocktail recipe ever

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

remember all those fail old people who tried to go viral after the Ellen selfie...pathetic

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

You know what they say about Bigfoot. Bigdick

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Sorry I didn't make it but it's your fault for scheduling a wedding the same week a new Slayer album comes out

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

R2D2: beep bloop LUKE: What? R2D2: beep bloop beep LUKE: I did not R2D2: *shows hologram of Luke watching Wookie porn* LUKE: THAT WAS 1 TIME

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

DATE: [breaks 3 minute silence] You dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me. ME: [trying to pick up my beer] I can do it

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

Dogs walk around in little circles before they lay down because that's awesome

[Otto Rocket @ottorockettt]

A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.