Chris

[A View From Yorkshire @models_by_Russ]

Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,

I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession of a calculator.

I’m writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to £40,000 to certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of all — bold strategy. Nothing says “strong borders” quite like a cashback scheme.

Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying, law-abiding British citizen. I know — awkward. I appreciate this may disqualify me from the premium exit package, but I’m willing to negotiate.

I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.

You see, unlike some applicants, I haven’t broken any laws to get here. I didn’t arrive by dinghy. I didn’t require processing, housing, or legal appeals. I’ve actually been funding the whole operation through PAYE for years — which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this enterprise.

Given that you’re prepared to offer £40,000 for someone to depart voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel £35,000 for someone who’s been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think of it as a “Buy British, Get One Gone” discount.

For £35,000 I will:
   •   Leave quietly.
   •   Not require a press conference.
   •   Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
   •   Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.

I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the efficiency of the scheme.

Frankly, it feels like I’ve misunderstood how incentives work in modern Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.

Who knew?

While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, it’s reassuring to know the Treasury has located a spare £40,000 per head for voluntary goodbyes.

May I ask — is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe I’m overdue.

In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even asking for the full £40,000. I’m trimming £5,000 off to help balance the books. That’s the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.

If successful, I promise to:
   •   Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
   •   Not stage a protest on the runway.
   •   And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify twice.

All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.

Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer

[Chris @over_44]

@GBNEWS Winston Churchill will be turning in his grave!!
Shame on the coward Kier Starmer.

[Chris @over_44]

@elonmusk @grok is this true

[Chris @over_44]

@GBNEWS are the uk and France risking the USA brokered peace deal, given Putin has stated previously he would not accept uk troops in Ukraine ?

[Chris @over_44]

@WelshLabour Prat.

[Chris @over_44]

@BBCPolitics https://t.co/IiTykVX4k6

[Chris @over_44]

@ejwwest @BBCPolitics https://t.co/IiTykVX4k6

[Chris @over_44]

@Ed_Miliband Bills only going up up up!
Spin all you like, the bill tells the truth.

[Chris @over_44]

@JonathanBrash You muppet. How scared are Labour atm??

[Chris @over_44]

@Keir_Starmer No keir, it isn’t

[Chris @over_44]

@AnasSarwar 😂

[Chris @over_44]

@Keir_Starmer @RachelReevesMP 😂

[Chris @over_44]

@10DowningStreet How? 1000 in, 4 out. That is not delivering

[Chris @over_44]

@Keir_Starmer It is a parents job to provide food for their children, not the state……. at the expense of the general public tax payers.

[Chris @over_44]

@Ed_Miliband Cutting bills, are you having a gucking laugh? Utter twat!!

[Chris @over_44]

USA fans have no class, no sportsmanship and no chance! #RyderCup

[Chris @over_44]

@UKLabour Shame on you!

[Chris @over_44]

@Keir_Starmer @10DowningStreet @POTUS The gap in how President Trump answered any and all questions and how @kier_starmer performed was plain to see. You were not impressive and you lied.

[Chris @over_44]

@Keir_Starmer Address the reasons why hundreds of thousands of British citizens felt the need to demonstrate instead of trying to dodge and deflect. I await your response......

[Chris @over_44]

@GeorgeFoulkes Feckin edjot, so you are! Ask Gordon brown where our gold reserves are!