I cannot preach with any competence, and yet insofar as I do succeed, still I myself do not live my life according to my own preaching.
Homily on Ezekiel, Pope Saint Gregory the Great
Scott—thank you for being vulnerable enough to share these thoughts. I don’t think there is an obvious answer to the implicit question you’re asking, which is something akin to ‘if there is a God, then why does God feel so distant from me? Why am I unable to see or experience God in any meaningful way?’
In my experience, God is often entirely different from the preconceived notions I may have of God. I have, in the past, thought of God as being somehow entirely different or distinct from the world I live in. I thought, ‘God must be out there—and I need to escape this place to find God.’ I have learned from such spiritual masters as Francis of Assisi that God is close—that God displays divinity even in the mundane; that I do not need to look far to find God.
I used to think that God needed something from me—that, somehow, I needed to provide an accounting of something or another to him. Otherwise, I thought, he wanted nothing to with me. But I have, of late, understood that whatever story God deigns to tell involves me at my present moment; it may be that God is asking something profound of me, but it may also be that God is asking me to model the little flower or Brother Andre Bessette—do little things with love.
Your story, as it is, may be the opportunity for others to grow in virtue—doing small things with great love for you. And it may be that you are called to receive this love with humility—not looking for greener pastures in the heavens, but allowing the God of Heaven and Earth to show himself to you in these small acts of love.
I cannot pretend this is the answer to everything you are feeling. My heart aches for you, friend. But I am grateful for your witness—that, in hard times, it is OK to ask God hard questions. It is OK to lament.
You are loved. I am grateful to God for your life.
In Christ.
“The unfathomable mystery of God is that God is a Lover who wants to be loved. God not only says: "You are my Beloved." God also asks: "Do you love me?"”
— Life of the Beloved
@chiamaka___o Your very existence. But the visible and real sign of what is eternally true is your baptism, confirmation, and reception of the blessed sacrament.