Brian Parise

Standup. Writer. Pasta man.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

My first standup album has been released & you should check it out! (Link in bio)

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

@DebraDiGiovanni You’re so funny and great. Wish ya well!

[Goodnights Comedy @GoodnightsCC]

#ThisWeekatGoodnights: Wednesday show with @parisecomedy + @IamChrisPorter takes on the weekend! Grab tickets: https://t.co/wRH9SFS3Ih

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Hey if u got people in Raleigh, tell em to come out Wed night!

[Goodnights Comedy @GoodnightsCC]

Coming up: Don't miss a night of laughs with Raleigh-favorite @parisecomedy on May 5! Grab your tickets today: https://t.co/UpvdQzengk

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

I wonder if people who hated Hitler ever wore Nazi-style hats that said MADE YA LOOK, JEWS ROCK

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Me doing my favorite thing (talking pasta) with the wonderful Jackie Kashian.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

@MykaFox This is almost the only thing I talk about.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Ok given Cuomo, Giuliani, DeBlasio, Scaramucci, and Avenatti, I propose we Italians agree to a 3-year ban from politics in exchange for an unproblematic holiday (James Gandolfini Day) and a promise from everyone to stop pronouncing “gnocchi” wrong.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

@rajsivaraman @silkyjumbo For me, this is the real bombshell news.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Me interviewing Prince Harry:
“So, were you like...the Jack, or is that just a playing card thing? Sorry, I tried to prep for this by watching ‘The Crown,’ but I couldn’t get into it.”

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Let’s bring back the mafia but they only kill people who don’t adequately salt their pasta water.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

The most cheerful dream I’ve had in the last year was one where terrorists were holding me hostage in a room that had a fancy cold-cut vending machine.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

@juliashiplett First time I’ve been subtweeted

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Yoga’s been great for my mental health. I now refer to Depression & Anxiety as my Yin and Yang energy.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Today is when Klobuchar texts Biden about opening for him on the road and then never hears back.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Ok someone update our guy on Afghanistan

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

I hope J-Lo is aware of the dark undertones in that song.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

@juliashiplett Ok date this person in character

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Ooo I found THE hot new platform for white nationalists. Anything goes, spread the word!

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Imagine parkour not even being the worst thing about you.

[Brian Parise @parisecomedy]

Apple Designer: AirPods must be the absolute pinnacle of user-friendly design in every possible way.
Engineer: What if someone drops the case?
Apple Designer: I dunno it shoots open and the pods scatter 25 feet or down the nearest sewage grate.
Engineer: On it.